Dancing Thoughts (C)

Dear strangers, it's C .

Another endless night, no sleep just nightmares. I would kill for one night to sleep with no thought, to just sleep and feel nothing. It's like my head wants my heart to hurt. I should probably explain the situation between me and X that would make what I'm saying make sense? I love him, I still love him, and I need him and he doesn't care. He was sweet, kind, funny, absolutely jaw dropping, he was incredible. "The perfect guy for me," but like most things I want he happened to slip away. He said the distance was getting to be too much, but deep down I knew he didn't like me anymore. It sounds so much less dramatic on paper, but my head begs to differ. I wouldn't even call my head sane, it's just this never ending list of pros and cons, what did I do wrong, what would have helped his decision? I understand you can't help how people feel, but I did nothing wrong, I guess I should be thankful for the time he blessed me with, and just look back on those memories and be happy... But I can't. I can't think that he did this for the better good. He says it' ll be better for us, that he needs me in his life and that we have to still be friends. The phone call was like taking a bullet. One second I'm thinking about him, loving him, the next I'm gassping for air in what seemed like an hour. It felt like my lungs shut down, my entire body was bolted to the floor, I couldn't move. He kept requesting something, but I was in too much of a daze to give a shit. I simply said okay and clicked the off button. Most people would say that was stupid, would demand for an answer and ask wtf his problem was, why he was doing this? Well not me, I just tried to concentrate on my breathing. It didn't come back to me for about 2 minutes. I finally fell to the floor with what seemed like a silent thud. I hit the speed dial. I heard J's voice, and I exploded. I couldn't make sense of the moment, I couldn't even think, all I knew was I couldn't be alone. I wouldn't be alone. She picked me up like the good friend she is and took me to her house. I sat there for a bit but still nothing. No sadness , nothing. I was numb. I would say people would rather be numb than feel pain, but at that moment I needed to feel something, I felt dead. Like my body was completely dead, my mind was screaming things at me, but I didn't even flinch, I just sat there and tried to absorb it all in. Then I realised the numbness doesn't last long, and I should have enjoyed it when I had it, now it's just aching pain. Hearing his name causes me to cry, there's like this big empty space inside my body that aches all day long. I feel like I should shove something in the hole and make it shut up. I don't like dwelling on things, I'm usually the kinda person who accepts to be cheated on and used for personal pleasure. I usually just pretend it doesn't bug me and move on, says we'll stay friends. But in this case it was more of a... shock? More of a slap in the face. Don't you break up with boyfriends and girlfriends when one has done something wrong? Or aren't you suppose to be honest about it if you don't like them and were playing them the whole time? You don't say , "its the distance it's killing me I can't not be able to see you when I want, so we can't be together ," ... Does that make any sense? Or is it just me? I'm thinking maybe there's something wrong with me. That guys love doing stuff and thats about it, but he promised me, that he was different from all the stupid guys who use me. I shouldn't have believed him. I know that now, but I don't care. I still want him, my body is running through every memory we ever had, and it's making the hole hurt even more, it's like it has its own mind. A mind that I can't control. I'm almost considering being his friend just so I can hear his voice, see his face. The hole in my chest will just love that. At night it just keeps shooting flicks of pain, until I am close to drifting to sleep. Then all the pain and tears come pouring out. What am I supposed to do when my head is in love with him, my heart craves him.. but my body hurts for him...
deal with the pain to see him, smell him, touch him..
Or listen to what this ragging hole in my chest is saying and remove all contact... Will that even help? I can't do either, I can't even choose a fucking shoe. My mind is always racing these days, I can't sleep. I can't really eat. Everytime something looks appetizing I think about him for a split second, and then nothing, I'm not hungry; I'm nauseated.
Maybe I should be thankful, maybe all this will make me skinnier than I ever hoped i would be.
Or maybe slowly but surely it'll kill me.