Its thrieving on me

dear strangers its c,

everyday passes, not that i notice. it irritates me that school is the anoying reason i have to get out of bed.
going to school used to feel like a coma, now its my own personal hell. but then again so is my house so whats the difference?
only thing that seems to be keeping me sane would be music, j's constant matching moods and obvcourse unconsions. the beauty of dreaming. i would do it all the time. life is so much better in dreams. so much less blury. i can barely see where things are headed, i only now my own feelings. and those change almost as easily as the time on the clock. iv gotten uncontrolably clumsy and anti social over the course of what seems to be my life, although i wouldnt call it much of a life? and im pretey sure im not the only one who seems to be picking up on the fact that in the last 3 months iv lost all sense of everything, and have stoped caring and stoped noticing eveyrthing. im preety much only there in body. the mind however is lost in thought.

i guess i feel bad that my "friends" seem to think im upset, and are reallly bumbed im engnoring them and all the events everyone is so stupidly excited about . alothough im preety sure if my "friends" new how i was feelings all the time, they would go back to perfering that i egnore them, and the social outings they seem to keep brining up.

its so weird, becaus eeven know i dont care, i cant , my body wont let me shrink my responsibilities. i feel its my job and i will for the sake of my parents keep my grades, and keep smiling and pretending to be pleased . its not even that big a deal, im getting used to doing my homework without another word, cooking dinner when my mom decides she doesnt want to, and going to bed when asked. then again i go to bed before they ask just for something to do. usually i have to pase around my room waiting for an "acceptable" hour to go to bed. they have obviously noticed but once again i dont care. they cant say anytrhing as long as my responsabilitys are held.

maybe thats what will happen, ill live this non life of mine, until i die of old age?