Dear stranger, it's J .
I guess it would be a good idea to start off with my background, the past that made me what I am today. Although most of it I'd rather not bring up again, this is where I'll be writing everything, even things I'd rather not face myself. The best place to start off with would be my last year of elementary school...
Grade five was probably one of the easiest years of my life, apart from kindergarten. Considering there weren't many students in the school, I was considered the most popular girl in the school. Which I was okay with at the time, more than okay with, I thrived on it. I had my 2 best girlfriends, a boyfriend whom I thought was amazing, and a few close guy friends. Though I regret this, I probably didn't treat any of my other classmates.. with much respect. My closest girlfriend, let's call her L, was hilarious and I loved her. But L was always kindof the beta, and not to pleased about that. She seemed to always want to take my place, she'd always say things to try and make me jealous about her past experiences with my boyfriend. I brushed them off. The thing that got to me most was her constant copying. Every single time I said I liked something, she just happened to like it too. She copied everything I did. One day I thought I'd get a good laugh, so I went to school and found L, I told her that I wasn't a fan of the New Jersey Devils anymore (Which dontcha know it, she was) I started liking the Buffalo's or something like that. I'm really not that into sports whatsoever. She automatically agreed, when I told her I was totally kidding, she claimed she had been too. I'd had enough of this bullshit.
My first day of middle school (Grade 6), I went early, and alone. I was lost. I didn't know why everyone was staring at me all the time for the first few weeks. My first concrete memory of middleschool was one recess when the two 'prettiest', most popular grade 6 girl's approached me.
It was pretty awkward, I've got to say, but it was probably only me who felt like that...
It was kindof like an invitation into their world. The one where you think you're above everyone, and that everyone is jealous of you. Some may be jealous, but more than that - everyone actually HATES you for being so stuck-up, including L because she wasn't accepted by these bitches. I could never really handle all the drama that they craved for and made happen. I tried to be sweet and sincere and not rude to others, but it's difficult when you're always surrounded by phony bullshit. I tried to be nice to everyone but since I'm extremely awkward, and they all thought I was a bitch, I never really talked to anyone outside my big circle of friends. Many rumors were spread about me, and my "friends" were always getting into superficial fights with eachother and with me. One of these times I told them I wouldn't be like the other girls, I wasn't going to go crawling back to them and I was done with all this. Our friendships were over. They made everyone hate me, including a couple of boyfriends I had throughout this tough year.
It was the summer before Grade 7, I had just lost all my friends, and didn't really know anyone else at the school... who liked me at least. It was horrible, especially having to deal with all the 'accidental run-ins' with them and the prank phone calls.
Thank goodness for C though. We started talking on msn frequently and we became good friends, we started hanging out and it was really fun. I was relieved to have found a true friend in the midst of all this. She had introduced me to some of her friends, we hit it off.
Unfortunately it didn't last too much longer because she was now accepted into the popular group. It was pretty depressing, I had told her about everything that had happened but in middleschool the only thing on everyone's mind is fitting in and being 'popular'. I didn't blame her for this, at first I felt as though the popular girl's were targetting me and rubbing it in- the fact that I was a total outcast. They definitely got me back good. Fortunately I did have a few other friends by this time, my 2 closest friends now were A and M. We had a lot of fun through the first half of grade 7, A was hysterical but self-concious. M was fun too but I always felt like she may leave in a blink of an eye if she was shown interest by these fucking fembots.
Oddly, I was wrong about M. But unfortunately about A too, it seemed I had them mixed up.
A left us for the fembots. I saw her the next day at school ignoring M and me. She didn't look like herself, she had her hair done, she was in a dress and had make-up on. A part of me was happy to see her with some confidence. But at the same time this was the second time this had happened, sooner or later it was bound to happen with M.
Grade 8 was a little better in the sense that I was finally being left alone by the fembots. I was slowly becoming good friends with C again which was relieving, she'd made new friends, not like I approved of them either. Her new bestfriend was B, only popular because of her slutty reputation, she wasn't one of the fembots which was a plus. C was still popular which I didn't mind, I was over all this superficial stuff and I don't think she was in it for popularity by this point, she'd actually become good friends with them. This year I had a new crush, Bam. It was more than a crush, though we were never a couple I felt I had a connection with him I hadn't had with anyone else. Unfortunately he was also friends with B, I was always paranoid about this because she was a huge skank. By the end of grade 8 I had a new reputation too.
I was the emo chick. Everyone was scared of me, I had a labret stud which seemed to be a huge deal at that age. I wore black eye make-up, clothes and skinny jeans. I listened to 'scary' music. I looked 'scary'. I dressed 'scary'. I 'was scary'. I hated everyone.
I had become pretty good friends with C again, and still friends with M, I had few other friends.
Everyone was really immature about my... transition. They all talked shit about me. People even threw rocks and glass at me saying, "Eat them!" I just laughed. Little boys dumped water on M and me, we just laughed. Although... I did get them back.
I was often in the office, I had a problem with authority, with the superficial twits, and with all the jackasses. Graduation was the best day of my life. I knew highschool wouldn't be the same.
It isn't. It feels as though popularity doesn't exist in highschool or maybe I'm just doing a good job ignoring it. These first few months of Grade 9 have been pretty simple, easy, and carefree. I can't yet say that I passed all my courses this first semester, but who really cares? Not me, highschool should be the funnest years of your life. You only get your youth once, so fucking enjoy it.
As of now, I don't have any enemies, mostly aqquaintances. I'm not still classified as emo, I don't think... but all I really care about right now is the fact that my adorable cat is eating my hair and my eyelids weigh a ton. Goodnight.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Starving Nostalgia (C)
Dear strangers, its C .
So, I'm guessing you're a little curious about exactly who I am, and why I even chose to do this. But if you think about it, we all need some place to release everything our bodies won't let us say, or even reject feeling, we all slip, we all mess up, well we're all far from perfect. Most people say high school are the best years of your life. I'm in grade nine. Just starting high school. And let me just say it really hasn't been so great. I have my two best friends, J and V who will hopefully be there with me through the tough years coming. So I guess I should talk about my past, give you a little bit of information about myself?
God do i miss kindergarten; no thinking, no emotion unless it's about who stole your favourite crayon. No tears, no heart break, no fights. Everything just kinda flowed. Most people say middle school is supposed to be like that too right? I've never been one to listen to what people have to say. Middle school was hell. I hated every bit of it. Grade six started out sweet, fun, casual, just meeting some new friends. Not really worrying about the work as much as the social crowd. Trying to fit in. By the end of grade 6 I really realised how stupid and super ficial most people are, but like most young kids I ignored my better judgement and surrounded myself with "popular people" aha that was mistake one, mistake two was trusting them. I know when you're young and you're carefree you don't really think, but if i had, it would have saved me months of tears.
Grade seven just got worse. but luckily I had met J by that time and she was there with me through almost all of it but once again, because i was so stupid, I left her for the popular kids. That's okay though because i got more than my share of karma on that. You'd think that after being fucked over thousands of times I would pick my friends wisely right? Well i didn't. I picked P as my bestfriend. She was cute, sweet... But only on the outside. On the inside she was nothing more than an emotionally unstable wreck. But then again I am too so I don't have much of a place to judge. She was usually a good friend, kept most of my secrets. But she would usually let the really deep ones slip during conversation. I became the outcast. But as soon as the populars gave me the hint of light, I took it. Even through all the shit they put me through when i was a part of their group or not I was always taking their shit. I took their chance, and resumed my place in their group. Because I loved the idea. I needed to be that "it" girl I wasn't so don't worry but I had met a guy whom which i loved. He was my everything, or so I thought. I thought I was in love but that might have just been because I was young. His name was K. He was so incredibly gorgeous it hurt my eyes to look at him. I couldn't stay mad at him no matter what he did, I was completely dazzled by his beauty. He may have looked like a 16 year old on the outside but on the inside he was just a kid. I always went back to him though. Not sure why? Maybe it's cause i craved for him, I needed him like i needed a drug. He was my drug, even when he left me time and time again I still took him back. Even when I knew his heart wasn't in it for the right reasons. I guess you could say I brought half this on myself but it's a lot harder to see what it's doing to you when you think you love the person, or you think you love what they're offering you.
Grade eight was a clearer year. Until I got involved with B, she was the best friend I ever had, she had the worst rep and was a complete slut. She was eveyrthing I hated and everything I loved all wrapped up into one person. Which made it that much harder to take her out of my life. After losing all my, "so called friends," and my best friend of all- P, I finally left B. I regained P's trust and we became the best friends we always were. But our relationship was kinda like a rollercoaster. Never really knew what was gonna happen, a lot of people love surprises but in friendship your constantly looking for support, love and trust? Well she didn't exactly give me that 100%, and neither did I. So I figured that was the end of that. Well no, we still dragged it out into high school.
Grade nine, the first year of highschool; the group that loves me, that I can barely stand? There's no such thing as popular in highschool, just faces. Tons and tons of faces. Me and J try to keep away from all that shit but it doesn't really work. It seems to always be creeping around the corner. We already consider ourselves the outcasts. I pretty much hate all girls, there are a couple I like though, but usually they just really annoy me. I generally get along with guys more, they're always pretty honest and just chill. I fell in love this year. His name was X. He was everything I can't put into words. Everything I loved all in a single person. He lived far, but I didn't care, I needded him as bad as i thought he needed me... It's hard to even talk about. I can't even put all my emotions into words. My head is spinning it's like it's telling me one thing, then changing it and turning it into something else.
I'll definitly write another blog soon, but for now I need to be able to think about it clearly before I can even try to explain mine and X's situation.
Are we all just play toys until the real thing comes around?
So, I'm guessing you're a little curious about exactly who I am, and why I even chose to do this. But if you think about it, we all need some place to release everything our bodies won't let us say, or even reject feeling, we all slip, we all mess up, well we're all far from perfect. Most people say high school are the best years of your life. I'm in grade nine. Just starting high school. And let me just say it really hasn't been so great. I have my two best friends, J and V who will hopefully be there with me through the tough years coming. So I guess I should talk about my past, give you a little bit of information about myself?
God do i miss kindergarten; no thinking, no emotion unless it's about who stole your favourite crayon. No tears, no heart break, no fights. Everything just kinda flowed. Most people say middle school is supposed to be like that too right? I've never been one to listen to what people have to say. Middle school was hell. I hated every bit of it. Grade six started out sweet, fun, casual, just meeting some new friends. Not really worrying about the work as much as the social crowd. Trying to fit in. By the end of grade 6 I really realised how stupid and super ficial most people are, but like most young kids I ignored my better judgement and surrounded myself with "popular people" aha that was mistake one, mistake two was trusting them. I know when you're young and you're carefree you don't really think, but if i had, it would have saved me months of tears.
Grade seven just got worse. but luckily I had met J by that time and she was there with me through almost all of it but once again, because i was so stupid, I left her for the popular kids. That's okay though because i got more than my share of karma on that. You'd think that after being fucked over thousands of times I would pick my friends wisely right? Well i didn't. I picked P as my bestfriend. She was cute, sweet... But only on the outside. On the inside she was nothing more than an emotionally unstable wreck. But then again I am too so I don't have much of a place to judge. She was usually a good friend, kept most of my secrets. But she would usually let the really deep ones slip during conversation. I became the outcast. But as soon as the populars gave me the hint of light, I took it. Even through all the shit they put me through when i was a part of their group or not I was always taking their shit. I took their chance, and resumed my place in their group. Because I loved the idea. I needed to be that "it" girl I wasn't so don't worry but I had met a guy whom which i loved. He was my everything, or so I thought. I thought I was in love but that might have just been because I was young. His name was K. He was so incredibly gorgeous it hurt my eyes to look at him. I couldn't stay mad at him no matter what he did, I was completely dazzled by his beauty. He may have looked like a 16 year old on the outside but on the inside he was just a kid. I always went back to him though. Not sure why? Maybe it's cause i craved for him, I needed him like i needed a drug. He was my drug, even when he left me time and time again I still took him back. Even when I knew his heart wasn't in it for the right reasons. I guess you could say I brought half this on myself but it's a lot harder to see what it's doing to you when you think you love the person, or you think you love what they're offering you.
Grade eight was a clearer year. Until I got involved with B, she was the best friend I ever had, she had the worst rep and was a complete slut. She was eveyrthing I hated and everything I loved all wrapped up into one person. Which made it that much harder to take her out of my life. After losing all my, "so called friends," and my best friend of all- P, I finally left B. I regained P's trust and we became the best friends we always were. But our relationship was kinda like a rollercoaster. Never really knew what was gonna happen, a lot of people love surprises but in friendship your constantly looking for support, love and trust? Well she didn't exactly give me that 100%, and neither did I. So I figured that was the end of that. Well no, we still dragged it out into high school.
Grade nine, the first year of highschool; the group that loves me, that I can barely stand? There's no such thing as popular in highschool, just faces. Tons and tons of faces. Me and J try to keep away from all that shit but it doesn't really work. It seems to always be creeping around the corner. We already consider ourselves the outcasts. I pretty much hate all girls, there are a couple I like though, but usually they just really annoy me. I generally get along with guys more, they're always pretty honest and just chill. I fell in love this year. His name was X. He was everything I can't put into words. Everything I loved all in a single person. He lived far, but I didn't care, I needded him as bad as i thought he needed me... It's hard to even talk about. I can't even put all my emotions into words. My head is spinning it's like it's telling me one thing, then changing it and turning it into something else.
I'll definitly write another blog soon, but for now I need to be able to think about it clearly before I can even try to explain mine and X's situation.
Are we all just play toys until the real thing comes around?
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