piercing heartbreak

i feeel my own pulse, the rupolsive feelings, the nausia twisted with the sadness..
its a strange mix i must say. im startnig to get used to the painful chest pains i am frequently greeted by these days. there almost a part of me.
the lonlines is starting to numb out, but the pain is here more then ever.
i have been lucky not to have had any contact with him.. then again i have been egnoring everything, my phone, my computer. my parents, "friends", everything. LUCKY me i am stupid and decided to go on msn today. worst day possible, youd think with the hand i have been given i would get a little luck right? ha wrong, he was on. and thats very unusual. i sat staring at screen, before i realised i was online.. i quickly changed my status to appear offline. i cryed. i duno for how long, maybe its because it hasnt stopped.

X said. ?
i didnt respond, i broke down into a mob of sobs, which didnt really fade out that easily. i sat in my room thinking, dreaming. i fell asleep for a bit until i was awakin by my own nightmare. it was scary, black cold... he was there, sitting there telling me how much he loved another girl, i felt so hurt i screamed, and i awoke. i was covered in sweat, and i never sweat. i got up and took a hot hot shower nowing it would numb some of the pain.

not only is my mind in constant motion these days, my body has complelty lost all cordination. i am so clumsy now , if it didnt constantly hurt me im preety sure i would be amused at my own stupidity. So from embarassing myself constantly in gym, constantly being embaressed in almost all of my classes, accept tequ. but that only because i get to put on my music and be alone i have been okay...
i thought for once that i was getting better, i had an amazing weekend with J she always makes me happy. shes like my own alcohal, amazing while shes there. until she leaves and im back in the whole..

iv been really good at keeping normal around people accept the obvious clumsyness, and blushing. mostly people have stoped aksing me whats wrong, that im very thankful for. because without it i would probably end up killingmyself.