Stabbing Boomerang (C)

Dear strangers, it's C .

i don't understand how things work anymore. i can't even control my own emotions. the numbness comes and goes.. J sort of numbs my pain. like when she is with me i barely notice the aching pain in my chest.. but when i am alone. i can't not think about it, it's all i think about, i need to think about it. my body rejects thinking now, i need constant distraction. and for the last couple of days the distraction has been good. like i had my old friend back in town, but she is now gone. and i went shopping, i had the whole week off school? but yet i still sit here crying.
i wonder if god is like mad at me or something. It doesn't help that everyone brings up X in conversation, or that my parents constantly bring him up, or pick out my flaws. it's like i have nothing now. i have absolutely nothing. i'm overly consious about my looks, what i say, how i act. i barely enjoy food. i barely enjoy everything. i am never fully happy. no matter how much fun i'm having, no matter how much im laughing. the pain is there. in the back of my head, the endless list of pros and cons is still going, the aching pain is still burning my insides... it's like i can't outrun it. it's like im trapped inside my own personal hell. it's not like the thoughts of X are bad, it's that they're so amazing it hurts more. i could think about when he dumped me, or when he kept calling making me feel worse. it would probably be better for me than to think of all the good stuff... like our kissing, our touching, our every moment. ... i can't even describe? the things i was willing to do for him. i loved him more than i could ever love anyone. i couldn't even imagine being so in love. and here i am, left alone heart broken by him? isn't finding love supposed to be a happy story? a never ending joy that you have? it's funny, it's like i cry now because i have to, cause if my mind doesn't stop screaming at me, it's like i did something wrong. and half my brain hates the other half. it's like my whole entire existance is blaming me for everything. I'm never a good enough daughter for my parents. i'm never good enough in school for my teachers, or my parents. i'm never good enough of a person for everyone. i'm just not perfect. All around, i have a body that is apparently skinny? i don't find so, i detest my body? sure i should be happy with what i recieved but i'm not.. i'm not pleased with my looks? i'm just all around a big mess. everytime i think, "wow i could really enjoy my life..," all the things i resent and my body rejects come creeping back around the corner. it's not really like a suprise i sort of wait for the hell to rejoin my head. my mind is constantly thinking, i can't even enjoy sleep anymore.. i just don't know what to do anymore...
i guess clothes make me feel better? but i don't think i should be allowed to shop at the moment. i might go a little crazy for my parents liking...

i'm going to go attempt to sleep, clear my head.
ha, oh i'd love that.