extrapolating flesh

Dear strangers its C.

its hitting me hard, its mocking me, the pain is mocking me. from the inside of my core out, i am numb with pain. every now in then when people bring it up it stabs and pulses.. makes me feel nautious, i barely get hungry because of it, i gues i should be thankful for getting one hting out of it...
i have since the inscedent
-lost all emotions accpet pain, and depressed.
- all i want to do is be alone and read with music, with accpetions, like J and V for example
-i became horendizly shy and self consious.
- terrbily akward, and over thinking
-endless questions people sem to keep asking, even know its fairly simple to read the expression on my face when there asked, and get there answer.
-the gossiping about me is endlesss. still going on.
-i am fully bored, completly not wanting to get out of bed for the shere reason as" whats the point"

i feel empty, accpet the sudden wave of laughter and joy i get when im with J, im raw.
never feeling somethign whole heartidly, also it seems that my anger is now attached to my tear ducts.
evertime i get overly angry, or feel any strong emotion for that matter, my eyes betray me, and i cry. i try preety hard to fight it seeing as its just another thing that seems to be embarassing me these days, it rarely workes, but im sure my parents know now to accpect it.
the constant bad sleep, nightmares, tears, or montone atitude is preety clear to undrstand,
theyve been really overly happy, trying to boost my mood, mostly its just making me recent myself for putting htem through this hell with me.
no one deserves to feel this kind of pain, its unjust.
its like its not even fullly about x anymore, but he the reason that it was brought on.
i resent him for it, i cant stand him, he is starting the typical sex rumors about me, even know its prety obvious by lookign at me that im a virgin, i wish i wasnt just so i could tell them it was true and make all there days.
i dont really mind that everyone i look at seems to have an opinion about me, its almost like with this new personailty come new strenghts, like i really feeel like i know exaclty what people are thinkiing at all times, i answered a question my dad spoke yeserday, but he didnt say it... it was in his head.
he was fuirous, and said why is this house such crap, i could of sworn i heard him say it, then i asnwered and said just because, he stared at me like i was going mad...
i almost belived it myself.
the feelings people are giving of its almost creepy, i know how they feel specially when they feel akward
it feels like there thoughts are shooting out at me, i feel terrible especially because half the time im the one making them feel the emoiton...
i try not to say anything, or keep quiet around people. but that doesnt seem to help much..
i have found myself not really being concious.. i feel like im just there in body and my mind is so far away, its almost like its runing, runing from me.
i dont blame my mind.
maybe being so raw, and empty will kill me.