Obsessing Blisters (C)

Dear strangers, it's C .

So here i sit once again lost in thought. i finally started to see things clearly. truly i believed for one second maybe i might be happy. i hadn't heard from X in about a week. almost a week, i was thankful. It's almost more painful to believe he is thinking of me, instead of just moving on... and i even had a good day. i hadn't seen anyone other then V, and J since the incident.. and it's been a week since i've spoken to anyone or seen anyone. today was the first day back from the break and i was dreading every second of it. i wouldn't even pick an outfit because i hoped if i didnt i wouldnt have to believe i had to go back.. it wasn't as hard as i had expected. i assumed everyone would be asking questions. but when they simply asked how are you and X, and saw my face they immidiatly shut up and moved on to a different topic. Some were so self absorbed in there own life they barely even noticed that i was barely listening, mostly just thinking; about everything, the list, the aching pain in my chest, my intense craving for a redbull, the pounding head ache, and my daze. I kind of liked the fact that everyone around me is so self absorbed they dont care about my problems. makes it easier to be able to deal with them if i think other people don't know about them. The day passed relatively quickly. I dont mind my classes. the people in them seem to be alright at the moment. but then again i always look at the positives of people. i always assume everyone is sweet and look at the good things rather then be smart and sinical and examine everything, maybe thats why my heart is broken. but then again some people i dont need to take a good look to realise they have more than one face, but i shouldnt trust my judgement, id rather sit here and be alone or at least with J.. shes like my smile. without her i feel nothing, i see nothing, i can almost hear nothing. nothing matters to me when shes not there. shes like the only thing keeping me from dying. shes saved me before, and i feel so selfish using the high she gives me to keep myself alive. but i cant help it. its like i am broken, and shes the only one who knows how to put all the pieces back together, sure other people have tried but shes the only one succeeding...

after all the classes, i returned home. i reorganized my room because i always do when i feel any kind of emotion too much for me to handle. its alot nicer than before, i moved my furniture around making it look more open. i sort of feel a little relieved. like all this empty space in my room is laughing at me. saying i dont have a life anymore, but that i had one and im dumb. but that will all change when i go under my cover and attempt to sleep. I watched an episode of gossip girl, i really enjoyed it. Tv seems to be one of the only other things that helps get my mind focused on something other then everything in my life. its alot easier to forget everything when your watching someone else's perfect life, or rather in this case terrible life. This episode was almost ironic to how im feeling at the moment. in the episode there was huge tragedy, everyone was finally coping. then it backfired.
He texted me. thats my backfire. He left me, bleeding from the inside out. all alone in the dark, i found my hope. and i finally started to feel life, other than frustration, pain , anger, sadness, happyness, etc... and then he texts me, reminding me how much i love him.

i think hes doing it on purpose waiting till he thinks im okay to come and shatter me all over again.. maybe he wants me to die.
maybe hell be my death. but ill always love him.

i can't help myself, he's my drug and im addicted.