Screeching Memories (J)

Dear stranger, it's J .

I guess it would be a good idea to start off with my background, the past that made me what I am today. Although most of it I'd rather not bring up again, this is where I'll be writing everything, even things I'd rather not face myself. The best place to start off with would be my last year of elementary school...

Grade five was probably one of the easiest years of my life, apart from kindergarten. Considering there weren't many students in the school, I was considered the most popular girl in the school. Which I was okay with at the time, more than okay with, I thrived on it. I had my 2 best girlfriends, a boyfriend whom I thought was amazing, and a few close guy friends. Though I regret this, I probably didn't treat any of my other classmates.. with much respect. My closest girlfriend, let's call her L, was hilarious and I loved her. But L was always kindof the beta, and not to pleased about that. She seemed to always want to take my place, she'd always say things to try and make me jealous about her past experiences with my boyfriend. I brushed them off. The thing that got to me most was her constant copying. Every single time I said I liked something, she just happened to like it too. She copied everything I did. One day I thought I'd get a good laugh, so I went to school and found L, I told her that I wasn't a fan of the New Jersey Devils anymore (Which dontcha know it, she was) I started liking the Buffalo's or something like that. I'm really not that into sports whatsoever. She automatically agreed, when I told her I was totally kidding, she claimed she had been too. I'd had enough of this bullshit.

My first day of middle school (Grade 6), I went early, and alone. I was lost. I didn't know why everyone was staring at me all the time for the first few weeks. My first concrete memory of middleschool was one recess when the two 'prettiest', most popular grade 6 girl's approached me.
It was pretty awkward, I've got to say, but it was probably only me who felt like that...
It was kindof like an invitation into their world. The one where you think you're above everyone, and that everyone is jealous of you. Some may be jealous, but more than that - everyone actually HATES you for being so stuck-up, including L because she wasn't accepted by these bitches. I could never really handle all the drama that they craved for and made happen. I tried to be sweet and sincere and not rude to others, but it's difficult when you're always surrounded by phony bullshit. I tried to be nice to everyone but since I'm extremely awkward, and they all thought I was a bitch, I never really talked to anyone outside my big circle of friends. Many rumors were spread about me, and my "friends" were always getting into superficial fights with eachother and with me. One of these times I told them I wouldn't be like the other girls, I wasn't going to go crawling back to them and I was done with all this. Our friendships were over. They made everyone hate me, including a couple of boyfriends I had throughout this tough year.

It was the summer before Grade 7, I had just lost all my friends, and didn't really know anyone else at the school... who liked me at least. It was horrible, especially having to deal with all the 'accidental run-ins' with them and the prank phone calls.

Thank goodness for C though. We started talking on msn frequently and we became good friends, we started hanging out and it was really fun. I was relieved to have found a true friend in the midst of all this. She had introduced me to some of her friends, we hit it off.

Unfortunately it didn't last too much longer because she was now accepted into the popular group. It was pretty depressing, I had told her about everything that had happened but in middleschool the only thing on everyone's mind is fitting in and being 'popular'. I didn't blame her for this, at first I felt as though the popular girl's were targetting me and rubbing it in- the fact that I was a total outcast. They definitely got me back good. Fortunately I did have a few other friends by this time, my 2 closest friends now were A and M. We had a lot of fun through the first half of grade 7, A was hysterical but self-concious. M was fun too but I always felt like she may leave in a blink of an eye if she was shown interest by these fucking fembots.

Oddly, I was wrong about M. But unfortunately about A too, it seemed I had them mixed up.
A left us for the fembots. I saw her the next day at school ignoring M and me. She didn't look like herself, she had her hair done, she was in a dress and had make-up on. A part of me was happy to see her with some confidence. But at the same time this was the second time this had happened, sooner or later it was bound to happen with M.

Grade 8 was a little better in the sense that I was finally being left alone by the fembots. I was slowly becoming good friends with C again which was relieving, she'd made new friends, not like I approved of them either. Her new bestfriend was B, only popular because of her slutty reputation, she wasn't one of the fembots which was a plus. C was still popular which I didn't mind, I was over all this superficial stuff and I don't think she was in it for popularity by this point, she'd actually become good friends with them. This year I had a new crush, Bam. It was more than a crush, though we were never a couple I felt I had a connection with him I hadn't had with anyone else. Unfortunately he was also friends with B, I was always paranoid about this because she was a huge skank. By the end of grade 8 I had a new reputation too.
I was the emo chick. Everyone was scared of me, I had a labret stud which seemed to be a huge deal at that age. I wore black eye make-up, clothes and skinny jeans. I listened to 'scary' music. I looked 'scary'. I dressed 'scary'. I 'was scary'. I hated everyone.
I had become pretty good friends with C again, and still friends with M, I had few other friends.
Everyone was really immature about my... transition. They all talked shit about me. People even threw rocks and glass at me saying, "Eat them!" I just laughed. Little boys dumped water on M and me, we just laughed. Although... I did get them back.
I was often in the office, I had a problem with authority, with the superficial twits, and with all the jackasses. Graduation was the best day of my life. I knew highschool wouldn't be the same.

It isn't. It feels as though popularity doesn't exist in highschool or maybe I'm just doing a good job ignoring it. These first few months of Grade 9 have been pretty simple, easy, and carefree. I can't yet say that I passed all my courses this first semester, but who really cares? Not me, highschool should be the funnest years of your life. You only get your youth once, so fucking enjoy it.

As of now, I don't have any enemies, mostly aqquaintances. I'm not still classified as emo, I don't think... but all I really care about right now is the fact that my adorable cat is eating my hair and my eyelids weigh a ton. Goodnight.