Starving Nostalgia (C)

Dear strangers, its C .

So, I'm guessing you're a little curious about exactly who I am, and why I even chose to do this. But if you think about it, we all need some place to release everything our bodies won't let us say, or even reject feeling, we all slip, we all mess up, well we're all far from perfect. Most people say high school are the best years of your life. I'm in grade nine. Just starting high school. And let me just say it really hasn't been so great. I have my two best friends, J and V who will hopefully be there with me through the tough years coming. So I guess I should talk about my past, give you a little bit of information about myself?

God do i miss kindergarten; no thinking, no emotion unless it's about who stole your favourite crayon. No tears, no heart break, no fights. Everything just kinda flowed. Most people say middle school is supposed to be like that too right? I've never been one to listen to what people have to say. Middle school was hell. I hated every bit of it. Grade six started out sweet, fun, casual, just meeting some new friends. Not really worrying about the work as much as the social crowd. Trying to fit in. By the end of grade 6 I really realised how stupid and super ficial most people are, but like most young kids I ignored my better judgement and surrounded myself with "popular people" aha that was mistake one, mistake two was trusting them. I know when you're young and you're carefree you don't really think, but if i had, it would have saved me months of tears.

Grade seven just got worse. but luckily I had met J by that time and she was there with me through almost all of it but once again, because i was so stupid, I left her for the popular kids. That's okay though because i got more than my share of karma on that. You'd think that after being fucked over thousands of times I would pick my friends wisely right? Well i didn't. I picked P as my bestfriend. She was cute, sweet... But only on the outside. On the inside she was nothing more than an emotionally unstable wreck. But then again I am too so I don't have much of a place to judge. She was usually a good friend, kept most of my secrets. But she would usually let the really deep ones slip during conversation. I became the outcast. But as soon as the populars gave me the hint of light, I took it. Even through all the shit they put me through when i was a part of their group or not I was always taking their shit. I took their chance, and resumed my place in their group. Because I loved the idea. I needed to be that "it" girl I wasn't so don't worry but I had met a guy whom which i loved. He was my everything, or so I thought. I thought I was in love but that might have just been because I was young. His name was K. He was so incredibly gorgeous it hurt my eyes to look at him. I couldn't stay mad at him no matter what he did, I was completely dazzled by his beauty. He may have looked like a 16 year old on the outside but on the inside he was just a kid. I always went back to him though. Not sure why? Maybe it's cause i craved for him, I needed him like i needed a drug. He was my drug, even when he left me time and time again I still took him back. Even when I knew his heart wasn't in it for the right reasons. I guess you could say I brought half this on myself but it's a lot harder to see what it's doing to you when you think you love the person, or you think you love what they're offering you.

Grade eight was a clearer year. Until I got involved with B, she was the best friend I ever had, she had the worst rep and was a complete slut. She was eveyrthing I hated and everything I loved all wrapped up into one person. Which made it that much harder to take her out of my life. After losing all my, "so called friends," and my best friend of all- P, I finally left B. I regained P's trust and we became the best friends we always were. But our relationship was kinda like a rollercoaster. Never really knew what was gonna happen, a lot of people love surprises but in friendship your constantly looking for support, love and trust? Well she didn't exactly give me that 100%, and neither did I. So I figured that was the end of that. Well no, we still dragged it out into high school.

Grade nine, the first year of highschool; the group that loves me, that I can barely stand? There's no such thing as popular in highschool, just faces. Tons and tons of faces. Me and J try to keep away from all that shit but it doesn't really work. It seems to always be creeping around the corner. We already consider ourselves the outcasts. I pretty much hate all girls, there are a couple I like though, but usually they just really annoy me. I generally get along with guys more, they're always pretty honest and just chill. I fell in love this year. His name was X. He was everything I can't put into words. Everything I loved all in a single person. He lived far, but I didn't care, I needded him as bad as i thought he needed me... It's hard to even talk about. I can't even put all my emotions into words. My head is spinning it's like it's telling me one thing, then changing it and turning it into something else.
I'll definitly write another blog soon, but for now I need to be able to think about it clearly before I can even try to explain mine and X's situation.
Are we all just play toys until the real thing comes around?