Aging Prints (C)

Dear Strangers, it's C .

Aging prints, i assumed. i assumed the marks X had left on me were going to fade. i never thought he would have scard me so deep..
i was starting to finally think straight, and i have a crush who's name is Q. hes really good looking, really chill, sweet, funny and very easy to talk to. i've noticed i have been around him a lot lately. it's like when i'm with him i'd ont think of X... but when im not with him or J the blackness is so scary.. its scares me. The bleak thought that one day i might get over this pain is almost funny, because i knwo how unreal that dream is.
My best friend J and my other close friends M are quite interesting, one happens to be akward and helarious, the other awkard and shy. i have always considered myself a shy person.. not really that scared to show who i am. as the years have gone by i have slowly been hurt more and more. and at that my bubble grew. the bubble pretects people from who i am, its like i mask. hides myself deep down and alowed me to only show the things i didnt mind being expossed.. the people who were alowed in were very special to me. as they slowly but surely distroyed me, the bubble left them out.. i have met very fiew people since that i have actually let them see the full me. actually only two people.. J and X. J has never once made a scratch on my buble. shes perfect in everyway. she exactly my dream person but in girl version. if i was a guy im preety sure i would be inlove with her. i need her. shes like a part of me. she keeps me alive. i love her like a sister and would never live with my self if i ever hurt her again... and then theres X. he is my heart and soul. i am nothing without him around me.. i am empty. he stole my intire heart and left me with the broken pieces.. i was finaly feeling remotly better, finaly having some dreamless sleeps. but then lucky me. he tried to contact me again. i just dont undestand why hes coming back? i dont have ANYTHING to give him, i have nothing left in me? i cant even begin to discrive what he took from me. he stole my soul. he left me empty, scared, award uncordinated, overthinking, regretting, degrating.. all alone in my own personal hell. my mind.
J and M have been rubbing off on me to.. im being extremly awkward around everyone, akward with my self. i can barely think of things to say to people, without changing my thought. i cant think about anything for more then a minute without seeing X in my head.. i cant even smile.. i only smile around big groups , and its a meaningless smile. its so no one asks me whats wrong. so no one can ever know the things that go on inside my head.. then.. there Q.. a new kid this year who just moved here... hes sweet as i said, hes very easy to talk to , and our eye contact sends shivers down my spin. i almost feel guilty for it. because i know that at any second if X came back to me i would accpet him no matter what, and nowing what it would do to me i would still do it cze i cant not. i can never ever be able to look him in the eyes and pretend i didnt love him. X gives shivers down my spin, even breathing in his sent makes me week in my nees. i can barely thinks straight when im with him. i cant even think. i cant even breathe, i just melt and melt and melt. our relationship was so strong i dont even know how this happend. but it didnt affect him. only me. im the one whos sitting here all alone. its the dark.

i assumed i would feel better now a days but i dont, if anything i feel worse. i have my best friend j going through her own personal hell. i have my new friend L going through her askward new school stage, i have my other friend M going through her i wanna kill L stage. and i have me going through. well i dono what iw ould veer call this.
but whatever it is its fucked.
fucked beyond my experiences
iv been hurt, cut so deep that it was numb. and this , this is excrutiating. this is rediculous.
its more then i ever imagined my mind and body was capable of feelings
im nothing. im starting to think maybe moving would be the best idea. if only i could convince my parents. who seem to not care that im heart broken, infact im preeyt sure they side with X.
they are CONSTATLY bringing him up, and nowing how much it hurt me to even hear his name.and they do it anyways, i was riding home with my dad, the conversation was light fun, then out of no were he brote up X i just about shocked on my own spit.
i didnt answer him, and i tryed to toon out ALL the ride home. i guess he got the message since he turned on the radio and moved to a different topic, i tryed to keep my answered short, and not in anyway a conversation started . he got the message very clear after a couple minutes. we pulled up to the house, and i went straight for my room, preety much been in here ever since.


god i wish my room wasnt so ugly then maybe iw ould feel so disgusted being stuck in it.
maybe my room with be the death of me . or maybe ill be the death of me