dear strangers its c,
everyday passes, not that i notice. it irritates me that school is the anoying reason i have to get out of bed.
going to school used to feel like a coma, now its my own personal hell. but then again so is my house so whats the difference?
only thing that seems to be keeping me sane would be music, j's constant matching moods and obvcourse unconsions. the beauty of dreaming. i would do it all the time. life is so much better in dreams. so much less blury. i can barely see where things are headed, i only now my own feelings. and those change almost as easily as the time on the clock. iv gotten uncontrolably clumsy and anti social over the course of what seems to be my life, although i wouldnt call it much of a life? and im pretey sure im not the only one who seems to be picking up on the fact that in the last 3 months iv lost all sense of everything, and have stoped caring and stoped noticing eveyrthing. im preety much only there in body. the mind however is lost in thought.
i guess i feel bad that my "friends" seem to think im upset, and are reallly bumbed im engnoring them and all the events everyone is so stupidly excited about . alothough im preety sure if my "friends" new how i was feelings all the time, they would go back to perfering that i egnore them, and the social outings they seem to keep brining up.
its so weird, becaus eeven know i dont care, i cant , my body wont let me shrink my responsibilities. i feel its my job and i will for the sake of my parents keep my grades, and keep smiling and pretending to be pleased . its not even that big a deal, im getting used to doing my homework without another word, cooking dinner when my mom decides she doesnt want to, and going to bed when asked. then again i go to bed before they ask just for something to do. usually i have to pase around my room waiting for an "acceptable" hour to go to bed. they have obviously noticed but once again i dont care. they cant say anytrhing as long as my responsabilitys are held.
maybe thats what will happen, ill live this non life of mine, until i die of old age?
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
extrapolating flesh
Dear strangers its C.
its hitting me hard, its mocking me, the pain is mocking me. from the inside of my core out, i am numb with pain. every now in then when people bring it up it stabs and pulses.. makes me feel nautious, i barely get hungry because of it, i gues i should be thankful for getting one hting out of it...
i have since the inscedent
-lost all emotions accpet pain, and depressed.
- all i want to do is be alone and read with music, with accpetions, like J and V for example
-i became horendizly shy and self consious.
- terrbily akward, and over thinking
-endless questions people sem to keep asking, even know its fairly simple to read the expression on my face when there asked, and get there answer.
-the gossiping about me is endlesss. still going on.
-i am fully bored, completly not wanting to get out of bed for the shere reason as" whats the point"
i feel empty, accpet the sudden wave of laughter and joy i get when im with J, im raw.
never feeling somethign whole heartidly, also it seems that my anger is now attached to my tear ducts.
evertime i get overly angry, or feel any strong emotion for that matter, my eyes betray me, and i cry. i try preety hard to fight it seeing as its just another thing that seems to be embarassing me these days, it rarely workes, but im sure my parents know now to accpect it.
the constant bad sleep, nightmares, tears, or montone atitude is preety clear to undrstand,
theyve been really overly happy, trying to boost my mood, mostly its just making me recent myself for putting htem through this hell with me.
no one deserves to feel this kind of pain, its unjust.
its like its not even fullly about x anymore, but he the reason that it was brought on.
i resent him for it, i cant stand him, he is starting the typical sex rumors about me, even know its prety obvious by lookign at me that im a virgin, i wish i wasnt just so i could tell them it was true and make all there days.
i dont really mind that everyone i look at seems to have an opinion about me, its almost like with this new personailty come new strenghts, like i really feeel like i know exaclty what people are thinkiing at all times, i answered a question my dad spoke yeserday, but he didnt say it... it was in his head.
he was fuirous, and said why is this house such crap, i could of sworn i heard him say it, then i asnwered and said just because, he stared at me like i was going mad...
i almost belived it myself.
the feelings people are giving of its almost creepy, i know how they feel specially when they feel akward
it feels like there thoughts are shooting out at me, i feel terrible especially because half the time im the one making them feel the emoiton...
i try not to say anything, or keep quiet around people. but that doesnt seem to help much..
i have found myself not really being concious.. i feel like im just there in body and my mind is so far away, its almost like its runing, runing from me.
i dont blame my mind.
maybe being so raw, and empty will kill me.
its hitting me hard, its mocking me, the pain is mocking me. from the inside of my core out, i am numb with pain. every now in then when people bring it up it stabs and pulses.. makes me feel nautious, i barely get hungry because of it, i gues i should be thankful for getting one hting out of it...
i have since the inscedent
-lost all emotions accpet pain, and depressed.
- all i want to do is be alone and read with music, with accpetions, like J and V for example
-i became horendizly shy and self consious.
- terrbily akward, and over thinking
-endless questions people sem to keep asking, even know its fairly simple to read the expression on my face when there asked, and get there answer.
-the gossiping about me is endlesss. still going on.
-i am fully bored, completly not wanting to get out of bed for the shere reason as" whats the point"
i feel empty, accpet the sudden wave of laughter and joy i get when im with J, im raw.
never feeling somethign whole heartidly, also it seems that my anger is now attached to my tear ducts.
evertime i get overly angry, or feel any strong emotion for that matter, my eyes betray me, and i cry. i try preety hard to fight it seeing as its just another thing that seems to be embarassing me these days, it rarely workes, but im sure my parents know now to accpect it.
the constant bad sleep, nightmares, tears, or montone atitude is preety clear to undrstand,
theyve been really overly happy, trying to boost my mood, mostly its just making me recent myself for putting htem through this hell with me.
no one deserves to feel this kind of pain, its unjust.
its like its not even fullly about x anymore, but he the reason that it was brought on.
i resent him for it, i cant stand him, he is starting the typical sex rumors about me, even know its prety obvious by lookign at me that im a virgin, i wish i wasnt just so i could tell them it was true and make all there days.
i dont really mind that everyone i look at seems to have an opinion about me, its almost like with this new personailty come new strenghts, like i really feeel like i know exaclty what people are thinkiing at all times, i answered a question my dad spoke yeserday, but he didnt say it... it was in his head.
he was fuirous, and said why is this house such crap, i could of sworn i heard him say it, then i asnwered and said just because, he stared at me like i was going mad...
i almost belived it myself.
the feelings people are giving of its almost creepy, i know how they feel specially when they feel akward
it feels like there thoughts are shooting out at me, i feel terrible especially because half the time im the one making them feel the emoiton...
i try not to say anything, or keep quiet around people. but that doesnt seem to help much..
i have found myself not really being concious.. i feel like im just there in body and my mind is so far away, its almost like its runing, runing from me.
i dont blame my mind.
maybe being so raw, and empty will kill me.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
piercing heartbreak
i feeel my own pulse, the rupolsive feelings, the nausia twisted with the sadness..
its a strange mix i must say. im startnig to get used to the painful chest pains i am frequently greeted by these days. there almost a part of me.
the lonlines is starting to numb out, but the pain is here more then ever.
i have been lucky not to have had any contact with him.. then again i have been egnoring everything, my phone, my computer. my parents, "friends", everything. LUCKY me i am stupid and decided to go on msn today. worst day possible, youd think with the hand i have been given i would get a little luck right? ha wrong, he was on. and thats very unusual. i sat staring at screen, before i realised i was online.. i quickly changed my status to appear offline. i cryed. i duno for how long, maybe its because it hasnt stopped.
X said. ?
i didnt respond, i broke down into a mob of sobs, which didnt really fade out that easily. i sat in my room thinking, dreaming. i fell asleep for a bit until i was awakin by my own nightmare. it was scary, black cold... he was there, sitting there telling me how much he loved another girl, i felt so hurt i screamed, and i awoke. i was covered in sweat, and i never sweat. i got up and took a hot hot shower nowing it would numb some of the pain.
not only is my mind in constant motion these days, my body has complelty lost all cordination. i am so clumsy now , if it didnt constantly hurt me im preety sure i would be amused at my own stupidity. So from embarassing myself constantly in gym, constantly being embaressed in almost all of my classes, accept tequ. but that only because i get to put on my music and be alone i have been okay...
i thought for once that i was getting better, i had an amazing weekend with J she always makes me happy. shes like my own alcohal, amazing while shes there. until she leaves and im back in the whole..
iv been really good at keeping normal around people accept the obvious clumsyness, and blushing. mostly people have stoped aksing me whats wrong, that im very thankful for. because without it i would probably end up killingmyself.
its a strange mix i must say. im startnig to get used to the painful chest pains i am frequently greeted by these days. there almost a part of me.
the lonlines is starting to numb out, but the pain is here more then ever.
i have been lucky not to have had any contact with him.. then again i have been egnoring everything, my phone, my computer. my parents, "friends", everything. LUCKY me i am stupid and decided to go on msn today. worst day possible, youd think with the hand i have been given i would get a little luck right? ha wrong, he was on. and thats very unusual. i sat staring at screen, before i realised i was online.. i quickly changed my status to appear offline. i cryed. i duno for how long, maybe its because it hasnt stopped.
X said. ?
i didnt respond, i broke down into a mob of sobs, which didnt really fade out that easily. i sat in my room thinking, dreaming. i fell asleep for a bit until i was awakin by my own nightmare. it was scary, black cold... he was there, sitting there telling me how much he loved another girl, i felt so hurt i screamed, and i awoke. i was covered in sweat, and i never sweat. i got up and took a hot hot shower nowing it would numb some of the pain.
not only is my mind in constant motion these days, my body has complelty lost all cordination. i am so clumsy now , if it didnt constantly hurt me im preety sure i would be amused at my own stupidity. So from embarassing myself constantly in gym, constantly being embaressed in almost all of my classes, accept tequ. but that only because i get to put on my music and be alone i have been okay...
i thought for once that i was getting better, i had an amazing weekend with J she always makes me happy. shes like my own alcohal, amazing while shes there. until she leaves and im back in the whole..
iv been really good at keeping normal around people accept the obvious clumsyness, and blushing. mostly people have stoped aksing me whats wrong, that im very thankful for. because without it i would probably end up killingmyself.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Aging Prints (C)
Dear Strangers, it's C .
Aging prints, i assumed. i assumed the marks X had left on me were going to fade. i never thought he would have scard me so deep..
i was starting to finally think straight, and i have a crush who's name is Q. hes really good looking, really chill, sweet, funny and very easy to talk to. i've noticed i have been around him a lot lately. it's like when i'm with him i'd ont think of X... but when im not with him or J the blackness is so scary.. its scares me. The bleak thought that one day i might get over this pain is almost funny, because i knwo how unreal that dream is.
My best friend J and my other close friends M are quite interesting, one happens to be akward and helarious, the other awkard and shy. i have always considered myself a shy person.. not really that scared to show who i am. as the years have gone by i have slowly been hurt more and more. and at that my bubble grew. the bubble pretects people from who i am, its like i mask. hides myself deep down and alowed me to only show the things i didnt mind being expossed.. the people who were alowed in were very special to me. as they slowly but surely distroyed me, the bubble left them out.. i have met very fiew people since that i have actually let them see the full me. actually only two people.. J and X. J has never once made a scratch on my buble. shes perfect in everyway. she exactly my dream person but in girl version. if i was a guy im preety sure i would be inlove with her. i need her. shes like a part of me. she keeps me alive. i love her like a sister and would never live with my self if i ever hurt her again... and then theres X. he is my heart and soul. i am nothing without him around me.. i am empty. he stole my intire heart and left me with the broken pieces.. i was finaly feeling remotly better, finaly having some dreamless sleeps. but then lucky me. he tried to contact me again. i just dont undestand why hes coming back? i dont have ANYTHING to give him, i have nothing left in me? i cant even begin to discrive what he took from me. he stole my soul. he left me empty, scared, award uncordinated, overthinking, regretting, degrating.. all alone in my own personal hell. my mind.
J and M have been rubbing off on me to.. im being extremly awkward around everyone, akward with my self. i can barely think of things to say to people, without changing my thought. i cant think about anything for more then a minute without seeing X in my head.. i cant even smile.. i only smile around big groups , and its a meaningless smile. its so no one asks me whats wrong. so no one can ever know the things that go on inside my head.. then.. there Q.. a new kid this year who just moved here... hes sweet as i said, hes very easy to talk to , and our eye contact sends shivers down my spin. i almost feel guilty for it. because i know that at any second if X came back to me i would accpet him no matter what, and nowing what it would do to me i would still do it cze i cant not. i can never ever be able to look him in the eyes and pretend i didnt love him. X gives shivers down my spin, even breathing in his sent makes me week in my nees. i can barely thinks straight when im with him. i cant even think. i cant even breathe, i just melt and melt and melt. our relationship was so strong i dont even know how this happend. but it didnt affect him. only me. im the one whos sitting here all alone. its the dark.
i assumed i would feel better now a days but i dont, if anything i feel worse. i have my best friend j going through her own personal hell. i have my new friend L going through her askward new school stage, i have my other friend M going through her i wanna kill L stage. and i have me going through. well i dono what iw ould veer call this.
but whatever it is its fucked.
fucked beyond my experiences
iv been hurt, cut so deep that it was numb. and this , this is excrutiating. this is rediculous.
its more then i ever imagined my mind and body was capable of feelings
im nothing. im starting to think maybe moving would be the best idea. if only i could convince my parents. who seem to not care that im heart broken, infact im preeyt sure they side with X.
they are CONSTATLY bringing him up, and nowing how much it hurt me to even hear his name.and they do it anyways, i was riding home with my dad, the conversation was light fun, then out of no were he brote up X i just about shocked on my own spit.
i didnt answer him, and i tryed to toon out ALL the ride home. i guess he got the message since he turned on the radio and moved to a different topic, i tryed to keep my answered short, and not in anyway a conversation started . he got the message very clear after a couple minutes. we pulled up to the house, and i went straight for my room, preety much been in here ever since.
god i wish my room wasnt so ugly then maybe iw ould feel so disgusted being stuck in it.
maybe my room with be the death of me . or maybe ill be the death of me
Aging prints, i assumed. i assumed the marks X had left on me were going to fade. i never thought he would have scard me so deep..
i was starting to finally think straight, and i have a crush who's name is Q. hes really good looking, really chill, sweet, funny and very easy to talk to. i've noticed i have been around him a lot lately. it's like when i'm with him i'd ont think of X... but when im not with him or J the blackness is so scary.. its scares me. The bleak thought that one day i might get over this pain is almost funny, because i knwo how unreal that dream is.
My best friend J and my other close friends M are quite interesting, one happens to be akward and helarious, the other awkard and shy. i have always considered myself a shy person.. not really that scared to show who i am. as the years have gone by i have slowly been hurt more and more. and at that my bubble grew. the bubble pretects people from who i am, its like i mask. hides myself deep down and alowed me to only show the things i didnt mind being expossed.. the people who were alowed in were very special to me. as they slowly but surely distroyed me, the bubble left them out.. i have met very fiew people since that i have actually let them see the full me. actually only two people.. J and X. J has never once made a scratch on my buble. shes perfect in everyway. she exactly my dream person but in girl version. if i was a guy im preety sure i would be inlove with her. i need her. shes like a part of me. she keeps me alive. i love her like a sister and would never live with my self if i ever hurt her again... and then theres X. he is my heart and soul. i am nothing without him around me.. i am empty. he stole my intire heart and left me with the broken pieces.. i was finaly feeling remotly better, finaly having some dreamless sleeps. but then lucky me. he tried to contact me again. i just dont undestand why hes coming back? i dont have ANYTHING to give him, i have nothing left in me? i cant even begin to discrive what he took from me. he stole my soul. he left me empty, scared, award uncordinated, overthinking, regretting, degrating.. all alone in my own personal hell. my mind.
J and M have been rubbing off on me to.. im being extremly awkward around everyone, akward with my self. i can barely think of things to say to people, without changing my thought. i cant think about anything for more then a minute without seeing X in my head.. i cant even smile.. i only smile around big groups , and its a meaningless smile. its so no one asks me whats wrong. so no one can ever know the things that go on inside my head.. then.. there Q.. a new kid this year who just moved here... hes sweet as i said, hes very easy to talk to , and our eye contact sends shivers down my spin. i almost feel guilty for it. because i know that at any second if X came back to me i would accpet him no matter what, and nowing what it would do to me i would still do it cze i cant not. i can never ever be able to look him in the eyes and pretend i didnt love him. X gives shivers down my spin, even breathing in his sent makes me week in my nees. i can barely thinks straight when im with him. i cant even think. i cant even breathe, i just melt and melt and melt. our relationship was so strong i dont even know how this happend. but it didnt affect him. only me. im the one whos sitting here all alone. its the dark.
i assumed i would feel better now a days but i dont, if anything i feel worse. i have my best friend j going through her own personal hell. i have my new friend L going through her askward new school stage, i have my other friend M going through her i wanna kill L stage. and i have me going through. well i dono what iw ould veer call this.
but whatever it is its fucked.
fucked beyond my experiences
iv been hurt, cut so deep that it was numb. and this , this is excrutiating. this is rediculous.
its more then i ever imagined my mind and body was capable of feelings
im nothing. im starting to think maybe moving would be the best idea. if only i could convince my parents. who seem to not care that im heart broken, infact im preeyt sure they side with X.
they are CONSTATLY bringing him up, and nowing how much it hurt me to even hear his name.and they do it anyways, i was riding home with my dad, the conversation was light fun, then out of no were he brote up X i just about shocked on my own spit.
i didnt answer him, and i tryed to toon out ALL the ride home. i guess he got the message since he turned on the radio and moved to a different topic, i tryed to keep my answered short, and not in anyway a conversation started . he got the message very clear after a couple minutes. we pulled up to the house, and i went straight for my room, preety much been in here ever since.
god i wish my room wasnt so ugly then maybe iw ould feel so disgusted being stuck in it.
maybe my room with be the death of me . or maybe ill be the death of me
Facing Basil (J)
Dear Stranger, it's J .
This weekend I have plans with L and C. I'm pretty excited, but unfortunately I still have to feel guilty because my friend M still hates L.
Basically, among my friends 'basil' is code for weed. Which explains the odd title...
I've gotten to know this new girl, L, quite a bit more. She's pretty awesome, she's very experienced with the whole basil and alcohol thing, more so than me. Of course I have smoked weed, and I have had many drinks and been drunk a number of uncountable times, but this still seems minimal compared to her downtown life. Her parents moved her here to get away from all that bad stuff, I don't want her parents to get the wrong impression of C and I, because I only do those things on rare occasion - considering my age and lack of access to drugs and alcohol.
But also I'm worried that now that we're friends I'll be doing it a lot more. We are this weekend...
I'm psyched for this weekend though. My other two close friends; M and Velvet, are really against weed and partially against alcohol. M always tries to argue the, "Cigarettes aren't as bad as weed," which is absolute nonsense. She hasn't tried either so she can't even have a strong opinion on the subject but she makes me feel bad for doing weed. Whatever. I'm doing it.
I just hope I don't get too into it.
This weekend I have plans with L and C. I'm pretty excited, but unfortunately I still have to feel guilty because my friend M still hates L.
Basically, among my friends 'basil' is code for weed. Which explains the odd title...
I've gotten to know this new girl, L, quite a bit more. She's pretty awesome, she's very experienced with the whole basil and alcohol thing, more so than me. Of course I have smoked weed, and I have had many drinks and been drunk a number of uncountable times, but this still seems minimal compared to her downtown life. Her parents moved her here to get away from all that bad stuff, I don't want her parents to get the wrong impression of C and I, because I only do those things on rare occasion - considering my age and lack of access to drugs and alcohol.
But also I'm worried that now that we're friends I'll be doing it a lot more. We are this weekend...
I'm psyched for this weekend though. My other two close friends; M and Velvet, are really against weed and partially against alcohol. M always tries to argue the, "Cigarettes aren't as bad as weed," which is absolute nonsense. She hasn't tried either so she can't even have a strong opinion on the subject but she makes me feel bad for doing weed. Whatever. I'm doing it.
I just hope I don't get too into it.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Blinking Fog (C)
Dear Strangers, it's C .
It feels like im blinking through fog. i can't see anything, it's all a disastrous mess..
i lost X, and i am still not over it, i'm still hurting, i'm still full of pain. it's cutting through me like winds these few days, seeing all my friends, all the people i hate, all the people bugging me about him. i hate it, i need to get out, which is why my family and i are probably going on a vacation soon. i hope we do i need out of this hell hole for just a week! and luckily J has been invited. i don't think i could go without her for a week.. i just i think i would actually die.. she's like my everything now. i don't have anything else. and i don't think i need anything. i have her, my brother, my rents and a couple other friends im good with. i have random aquaintences, but all i need is my best friend.
It hurts me more to see her upset. and lucky me, she's hurt. so here's the deal: J and I are alot alike in many ways. M is J's other best friend, and my good friend.
She's very stubborn, shy, ignorant, self concious, stunning girl i've ever met, and i like her alot. she's great! she's really fun when she lets her hair down. Shes quite protective of of her friends.. and it doesnt make her feel any better that shes leaving to move across the country in grade ten. sure shes excited to go but she doesnt want to be forgotten, or worse replaced. And thats where L (the new girl) ties into this whole situation. L is fabulous, EXACLTY like me and J and so much fun.
problem 1- she has the same name as M. which makes M furious
problem 2- she has the same initials as M. which makes M furious
problem 3- she is alot of fun and me and J really like her, Which makes M furious
problem 4-she looks a bit like M. which makes M furious
problem 5- she is taking out her stupid immature rage on J, who has not been anything but a friend to her. M does not understand thats she's not being replaced. L is just a sweet girl trying to make some new friends in a new school. she's really cool and we all agree that she could definitely become a close friend of ours. M disagress, and thinks L is trying to steal her light.. i understand were M is coming from, i mean c'mon. a new girl comes who looks like you and even has the same name... right before your about to leave.
anyone would be mad, but she doesn't need to be a bitch to J or L about it. she isn't a bitch to me cause she knows i won't take it. she is a total bitch to J because she knows how much J loves her and feels guilty. and shes a bitch to L because shes new. M has never even spoken a word to L and she claims she hates her.
we all love M and we dont ever wanna see her hurt, but she better start acting normal, or i'll snap.
she's hurting J more than necessary. j is always taking M's crap and for what? J has done NOTHING. and M better realise what shes doing to J cause shes really hurting her feelings.
along with mine.
i DON'T like to see my friends upset. and both J, M and L and i are upset.
this will not end well.
It feels like im blinking through fog. i can't see anything, it's all a disastrous mess..
i lost X, and i am still not over it, i'm still hurting, i'm still full of pain. it's cutting through me like winds these few days, seeing all my friends, all the people i hate, all the people bugging me about him. i hate it, i need to get out, which is why my family and i are probably going on a vacation soon. i hope we do i need out of this hell hole for just a week! and luckily J has been invited. i don't think i could go without her for a week.. i just i think i would actually die.. she's like my everything now. i don't have anything else. and i don't think i need anything. i have her, my brother, my rents and a couple other friends im good with. i have random aquaintences, but all i need is my best friend.
It hurts me more to see her upset. and lucky me, she's hurt. so here's the deal: J and I are alot alike in many ways. M is J's other best friend, and my good friend.
She's very stubborn, shy, ignorant, self concious, stunning girl i've ever met, and i like her alot. she's great! she's really fun when she lets her hair down. Shes quite protective of of her friends.. and it doesnt make her feel any better that shes leaving to move across the country in grade ten. sure shes excited to go but she doesnt want to be forgotten, or worse replaced. And thats where L (the new girl) ties into this whole situation. L is fabulous, EXACLTY like me and J and so much fun.
problem 1- she has the same name as M. which makes M furious
problem 2- she has the same initials as M. which makes M furious
problem 3- she is alot of fun and me and J really like her, Which makes M furious
problem 4-she looks a bit like M. which makes M furious
problem 5- she is taking out her stupid immature rage on J, who has not been anything but a friend to her. M does not understand thats she's not being replaced. L is just a sweet girl trying to make some new friends in a new school. she's really cool and we all agree that she could definitely become a close friend of ours. M disagress, and thinks L is trying to steal her light.. i understand were M is coming from, i mean c'mon. a new girl comes who looks like you and even has the same name... right before your about to leave.
anyone would be mad, but she doesn't need to be a bitch to J or L about it. she isn't a bitch to me cause she knows i won't take it. she is a total bitch to J because she knows how much J loves her and feels guilty. and shes a bitch to L because shes new. M has never even spoken a word to L and she claims she hates her.
we all love M and we dont ever wanna see her hurt, but she better start acting normal, or i'll snap.
she's hurting J more than necessary. j is always taking M's crap and for what? J has done NOTHING. and M better realise what shes doing to J cause shes really hurting her feelings.
along with mine.
i DON'T like to see my friends upset. and both J, M and L and i are upset.
this will not end well.
Messy Decisions (J)
Dear Stranger, it's J .
Finally, I have something a little interesting to write about. Finally something with meaning, something exciting, just SOMETHING in my life to write about. I'm happy about it, but my best friend M is making me feel horrible for this one good thing I'm experiencing.
Basically, there is a new girl who just transfered to my school for the second semester. She's in my gym class. She looks a little bit like my friend M at a glance...
I decided that I should go up and talk to her considering she was all alone, and new. That's something I rarely do. Turns out, she has the same name as M...
We hit it off right away, and we always pair up for whatever sport we're playing, I think we'll become very good friends. The only thing standing in the way is M's stubborn hate towards this new girl, L.
I met up with L for lunch yesterday because M told me she was eating with her other friends anyways. So I had lunch with L, and my other friends C and Velvet, they all hit it off as well.
I thought it was perfect, a new friend who is awesome, how could it be a bad thing. And considering I absolutely detest physical activity and so does L, it's perfect that we have gym together so we can just stand around and chat.
M hates her.
How awkward is that for me?
Before they even met M told me she hated L, didn't want to meet her, or talk to her. She wanted nothing that had to due with L. Everyone has been telling M that L looks exactly like her, they have the same name, initials, and she was really nice. Now M feels like she's being replaced. Absolutely not, the only similarity is their name. I kept asking M to meet L and get to know her, I know if she did she'd like L. She refuses. So we made them meet.
Why shouldn't I want my best friend of 3 years to meet my other new friend, and hope that they get along, how could they not.
So we brought L to find M, introduced them...
It was excruciatingly awkward.
L waved and said hey, M turned her face and starteed talking to someone else ith a mean look on her face. She claims she didn't notice L said something...
Going to a new school isn't easy, and meeting people is worse. You hope people will like you, but if you go to a new school and here from your new friends that they have a friend with the same name they want you to meet- you're excited, right?
Well quite a let down it was when she felt totally rejected by M, possibly worrying if that would change the way C, Velvet and me would see her.
Going somewhere new and being hated because of your name? Awful.
M should be the most sympathetic toward sher out of any of us, first of all, she should try and get to know her considering I want her to and we're best friends... And the biggest part is that M is moving to a new country for grade 10, she will be in the same shoes as L is now. Shouldn't she consider that? If something like that happens to her she will die, and I mean die.
So the plan is I hang out with L at lunch and M before and after school. But what about weekends? Why can't I not worry about who I'm going to hang out with and exactly when and will it make my other friend angry.
L wants to be friends with M.
M doesn't want to be friends with L, but shouldn't she try, shouldn't she say hi?
Why can't I hang out with all my friends at once, and not have to worry?
Why doesn M have to make me feel like I'm doing something wrong?
I'm doing the best I can in a situation like this?
I'm trying to satisfy both of them, shouldnt M try too?!
Why can't I just feel happy that I've made this new great friend, isntead of feeling guilty?
M can't understand she's NOT being replaced, I keep trying to hang out with M but she glares or complains about the little time I spend with L. But if I bring up L, she gets pissed.
One good thing happens in my life, but it's fucking up my life.
M is trying to 'step out of the group' she says. But then she says I'm ditching her, everytime I ask if she wants to have lunch she tells me no. She is ditching me- because to hang out with me she might have to sacrifice meeting someone with the same first name as her, which is apparently such a huge hassle she can't be friends with me anymore. I don't talk about L around her unless she brings her up, I ask to hang out with M even when I still want to get to know L - but she denies me, i smile at her in the halls - she is my best friend- before I can talk to her though she glares and turns her back. It's not my fault this girl came to the school. But I'm not going to make her feel unwelcome cause her name is L. Why can't M stop being closed-minded and stubborn, and do something for ME for ONCE. It's always about M, and the one time something happens for me, she finds a way to make it all about her. What do I do?
And on the worse side of things...
Today I found L at lunch talking to my middle school friends mentioned in past blogs.
No way are they going to steal ANOTHER of my friends. I'm sick of that.
Also my good friend Scrotum just recently stopped liking M, he'd liked her for a long time despite the fact that she was totally toying with his mind. Scrotum thinks he likes L, the 'new M'. Now, THAT, will piss M off even more, what could make her feel more replaced than that?
But I'm happy for him, he hasn't ever had a girlfriend who meant a lot to him... or that he meant a lot to, so I encourage it.
But if L talks to 3, M's long time obsession/crush, she's in for it. Good thing she's been warned.
My anger is overshadowing my happiness, which only comes so often...
Finally, I have something a little interesting to write about. Finally something with meaning, something exciting, just SOMETHING in my life to write about. I'm happy about it, but my best friend M is making me feel horrible for this one good thing I'm experiencing.
Basically, there is a new girl who just transfered to my school for the second semester. She's in my gym class. She looks a little bit like my friend M at a glance...
I decided that I should go up and talk to her considering she was all alone, and new. That's something I rarely do. Turns out, she has the same name as M...
We hit it off right away, and we always pair up for whatever sport we're playing, I think we'll become very good friends. The only thing standing in the way is M's stubborn hate towards this new girl, L.
I met up with L for lunch yesterday because M told me she was eating with her other friends anyways. So I had lunch with L, and my other friends C and Velvet, they all hit it off as well.
I thought it was perfect, a new friend who is awesome, how could it be a bad thing. And considering I absolutely detest physical activity and so does L, it's perfect that we have gym together so we can just stand around and chat.
M hates her.
How awkward is that for me?
Before they even met M told me she hated L, didn't want to meet her, or talk to her. She wanted nothing that had to due with L. Everyone has been telling M that L looks exactly like her, they have the same name, initials, and she was really nice. Now M feels like she's being replaced. Absolutely not, the only similarity is their name. I kept asking M to meet L and get to know her, I know if she did she'd like L. She refuses. So we made them meet.
Why shouldn't I want my best friend of 3 years to meet my other new friend, and hope that they get along, how could they not.
So we brought L to find M, introduced them...
It was excruciatingly awkward.
L waved and said hey, M turned her face and starteed talking to someone else ith a mean look on her face. She claims she didn't notice L said something...
Going to a new school isn't easy, and meeting people is worse. You hope people will like you, but if you go to a new school and here from your new friends that they have a friend with the same name they want you to meet- you're excited, right?
Well quite a let down it was when she felt totally rejected by M, possibly worrying if that would change the way C, Velvet and me would see her.
Going somewhere new and being hated because of your name? Awful.
M should be the most sympathetic toward sher out of any of us, first of all, she should try and get to know her considering I want her to and we're best friends... And the biggest part is that M is moving to a new country for grade 10, she will be in the same shoes as L is now. Shouldn't she consider that? If something like that happens to her she will die, and I mean die.
So the plan is I hang out with L at lunch and M before and after school. But what about weekends? Why can't I not worry about who I'm going to hang out with and exactly when and will it make my other friend angry.
L wants to be friends with M.
M doesn't want to be friends with L, but shouldn't she try, shouldn't she say hi?
Why can't I hang out with all my friends at once, and not have to worry?
Why doesn M have to make me feel like I'm doing something wrong?
I'm doing the best I can in a situation like this?
I'm trying to satisfy both of them, shouldnt M try too?!
Why can't I just feel happy that I've made this new great friend, isntead of feeling guilty?
M can't understand she's NOT being replaced, I keep trying to hang out with M but she glares or complains about the little time I spend with L. But if I bring up L, she gets pissed.
One good thing happens in my life, but it's fucking up my life.
M is trying to 'step out of the group' she says. But then she says I'm ditching her, everytime I ask if she wants to have lunch she tells me no. She is ditching me- because to hang out with me she might have to sacrifice meeting someone with the same first name as her, which is apparently such a huge hassle she can't be friends with me anymore. I don't talk about L around her unless she brings her up, I ask to hang out with M even when I still want to get to know L - but she denies me, i smile at her in the halls - she is my best friend- before I can talk to her though she glares and turns her back. It's not my fault this girl came to the school. But I'm not going to make her feel unwelcome cause her name is L. Why can't M stop being closed-minded and stubborn, and do something for ME for ONCE. It's always about M, and the one time something happens for me, she finds a way to make it all about her. What do I do?
And on the worse side of things...
Today I found L at lunch talking to my middle school friends mentioned in past blogs.
No way are they going to steal ANOTHER of my friends. I'm sick of that.
Also my good friend Scrotum just recently stopped liking M, he'd liked her for a long time despite the fact that she was totally toying with his mind. Scrotum thinks he likes L, the 'new M'. Now, THAT, will piss M off even more, what could make her feel more replaced than that?
But I'm happy for him, he hasn't ever had a girlfriend who meant a lot to him... or that he meant a lot to, so I encourage it.
But if L talks to 3, M's long time obsession/crush, she's in for it. Good thing she's been warned.
My anger is overshadowing my happiness, which only comes so often...
Monday, February 2, 2009
Obsessing Blisters (C)
Dear strangers, it's C .
So here i sit once again lost in thought. i finally started to see things clearly. truly i believed for one second maybe i might be happy. i hadn't heard from X in about a week. almost a week, i was thankful. It's almost more painful to believe he is thinking of me, instead of just moving on... and i even had a good day. i hadn't seen anyone other then V, and J since the incident.. and it's been a week since i've spoken to anyone or seen anyone. today was the first day back from the break and i was dreading every second of it. i wouldn't even pick an outfit because i hoped if i didnt i wouldnt have to believe i had to go back.. it wasn't as hard as i had expected. i assumed everyone would be asking questions. but when they simply asked how are you and X, and saw my face they immidiatly shut up and moved on to a different topic. Some were so self absorbed in there own life they barely even noticed that i was barely listening, mostly just thinking; about everything, the list, the aching pain in my chest, my intense craving for a redbull, the pounding head ache, and my daze. I kind of liked the fact that everyone around me is so self absorbed they dont care about my problems. makes it easier to be able to deal with them if i think other people don't know about them. The day passed relatively quickly. I dont mind my classes. the people in them seem to be alright at the moment. but then again i always look at the positives of people. i always assume everyone is sweet and look at the good things rather then be smart and sinical and examine everything, maybe thats why my heart is broken. but then again some people i dont need to take a good look to realise they have more than one face, but i shouldnt trust my judgement, id rather sit here and be alone or at least with J.. shes like my smile. without her i feel nothing, i see nothing, i can almost hear nothing. nothing matters to me when shes not there. shes like the only thing keeping me from dying. shes saved me before, and i feel so selfish using the high she gives me to keep myself alive. but i cant help it. its like i am broken, and shes the only one who knows how to put all the pieces back together, sure other people have tried but shes the only one succeeding...
after all the classes, i returned home. i reorganized my room because i always do when i feel any kind of emotion too much for me to handle. its alot nicer than before, i moved my furniture around making it look more open. i sort of feel a little relieved. like all this empty space in my room is laughing at me. saying i dont have a life anymore, but that i had one and im dumb. but that will all change when i go under my cover and attempt to sleep. I watched an episode of gossip girl, i really enjoyed it. Tv seems to be one of the only other things that helps get my mind focused on something other then everything in my life. its alot easier to forget everything when your watching someone else's perfect life, or rather in this case terrible life. This episode was almost ironic to how im feeling at the moment. in the episode there was huge tragedy, everyone was finally coping. then it backfired.
He texted me. thats my backfire. He left me, bleeding from the inside out. all alone in the dark, i found my hope. and i finally started to feel life, other than frustration, pain , anger, sadness, happyness, etc... and then he texts me, reminding me how much i love him.
i think hes doing it on purpose waiting till he thinks im okay to come and shatter me all over again.. maybe he wants me to die.
maybe hell be my death. but ill always love him.
i can't help myself, he's my drug and im addicted.
So here i sit once again lost in thought. i finally started to see things clearly. truly i believed for one second maybe i might be happy. i hadn't heard from X in about a week. almost a week, i was thankful. It's almost more painful to believe he is thinking of me, instead of just moving on... and i even had a good day. i hadn't seen anyone other then V, and J since the incident.. and it's been a week since i've spoken to anyone or seen anyone. today was the first day back from the break and i was dreading every second of it. i wouldn't even pick an outfit because i hoped if i didnt i wouldnt have to believe i had to go back.. it wasn't as hard as i had expected. i assumed everyone would be asking questions. but when they simply asked how are you and X, and saw my face they immidiatly shut up and moved on to a different topic. Some were so self absorbed in there own life they barely even noticed that i was barely listening, mostly just thinking; about everything, the list, the aching pain in my chest, my intense craving for a redbull, the pounding head ache, and my daze. I kind of liked the fact that everyone around me is so self absorbed they dont care about my problems. makes it easier to be able to deal with them if i think other people don't know about them. The day passed relatively quickly. I dont mind my classes. the people in them seem to be alright at the moment. but then again i always look at the positives of people. i always assume everyone is sweet and look at the good things rather then be smart and sinical and examine everything, maybe thats why my heart is broken. but then again some people i dont need to take a good look to realise they have more than one face, but i shouldnt trust my judgement, id rather sit here and be alone or at least with J.. shes like my smile. without her i feel nothing, i see nothing, i can almost hear nothing. nothing matters to me when shes not there. shes like the only thing keeping me from dying. shes saved me before, and i feel so selfish using the high she gives me to keep myself alive. but i cant help it. its like i am broken, and shes the only one who knows how to put all the pieces back together, sure other people have tried but shes the only one succeeding...
after all the classes, i returned home. i reorganized my room because i always do when i feel any kind of emotion too much for me to handle. its alot nicer than before, i moved my furniture around making it look more open. i sort of feel a little relieved. like all this empty space in my room is laughing at me. saying i dont have a life anymore, but that i had one and im dumb. but that will all change when i go under my cover and attempt to sleep. I watched an episode of gossip girl, i really enjoyed it. Tv seems to be one of the only other things that helps get my mind focused on something other then everything in my life. its alot easier to forget everything when your watching someone else's perfect life, or rather in this case terrible life. This episode was almost ironic to how im feeling at the moment. in the episode there was huge tragedy, everyone was finally coping. then it backfired.
He texted me. thats my backfire. He left me, bleeding from the inside out. all alone in the dark, i found my hope. and i finally started to feel life, other than frustration, pain , anger, sadness, happyness, etc... and then he texts me, reminding me how much i love him.
i think hes doing it on purpose waiting till he thinks im okay to come and shatter me all over again.. maybe he wants me to die.
maybe hell be my death. but ill always love him.
i can't help myself, he's my drug and im addicted.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Tumbling Cans (J)
Dear stranger, it's J .
Alright so the title is linked to 2 things; one good and one bad. But both pretty lame, considering there isn't much going on in my life apart from low self-esteem.
I just finished re-organizing my room a little bit, trying to open it up. I thought it would cheer me up. Basically it still sucks. I try not to spend too much time in here. The only thing left to do is stack my redbull cans. Which will be the hardest part cause I have to choose between practical or nicer to look at. Either they look great and I attempt to make a bull sculpture but they tumble down every day. Or I stack them evenly in a corner that you can't quite see them. And YES it is a big deal, redbull keeps me living - least I could do is show my appreciation.
Although... my parents are trying to cut me off. They say it's bad for me and I'll be very unhealthy. But, fuck... I don't plan on living too long. Redbull is so fucking great I'd rather die in a day if I could indulge in as much redbull as I wanted than to live 80 long fucking years and be healthy. Anyways, obviously I'm not going to stop drinking them, but it is quite an inconvenience to not have them buying them for me. Whatever I'll get a job.
P.S. If you read all of this, I'm impressed. Sorry my life is so fucking uneventful atm. Luckily for you, exams are over and second semester starts tomorrow, so I'm sure I'll have something to write about soon - being surrounded by superficial, gossiping, stupid teenagers every fucking day! XD
Alright so the title is linked to 2 things; one good and one bad. But both pretty lame, considering there isn't much going on in my life apart from low self-esteem.
I just finished re-organizing my room a little bit, trying to open it up. I thought it would cheer me up. Basically it still sucks. I try not to spend too much time in here. The only thing left to do is stack my redbull cans. Which will be the hardest part cause I have to choose between practical or nicer to look at. Either they look great and I attempt to make a bull sculpture but they tumble down every day. Or I stack them evenly in a corner that you can't quite see them. And YES it is a big deal, redbull keeps me living - least I could do is show my appreciation.
Although... my parents are trying to cut me off. They say it's bad for me and I'll be very unhealthy. But, fuck... I don't plan on living too long. Redbull is so fucking great I'd rather die in a day if I could indulge in as much redbull as I wanted than to live 80 long fucking years and be healthy. Anyways, obviously I'm not going to stop drinking them, but it is quite an inconvenience to not have them buying them for me. Whatever I'll get a job.
P.S. If you read all of this, I'm impressed. Sorry my life is so fucking uneventful atm. Luckily for you, exams are over and second semester starts tomorrow, so I'm sure I'll have something to write about soon - being surrounded by superficial, gossiping, stupid teenagers every fucking day! XD
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