Dear strangers, it's C .
i don't understand how things work anymore. i can't even control my own emotions. the numbness comes and goes.. J sort of numbs my pain. like when she is with me i barely notice the aching pain in my chest.. but when i am alone. i can't not think about it, it's all i think about, i need to think about it. my body rejects thinking now, i need constant distraction. and for the last couple of days the distraction has been good. like i had my old friend back in town, but she is now gone. and i went shopping, i had the whole week off school? but yet i still sit here crying.
i wonder if god is like mad at me or something. It doesn't help that everyone brings up X in conversation, or that my parents constantly bring him up, or pick out my flaws. it's like i have nothing now. i have absolutely nothing. i'm overly consious about my looks, what i say, how i act. i barely enjoy food. i barely enjoy everything. i am never fully happy. no matter how much fun i'm having, no matter how much im laughing. the pain is there. in the back of my head, the endless list of pros and cons is still going, the aching pain is still burning my insides... it's like i can't outrun it. it's like im trapped inside my own personal hell. it's not like the thoughts of X are bad, it's that they're so amazing it hurts more. i could think about when he dumped me, or when he kept calling making me feel worse. it would probably be better for me than to think of all the good stuff... like our kissing, our touching, our every moment. ... i can't even describe? the things i was willing to do for him. i loved him more than i could ever love anyone. i couldn't even imagine being so in love. and here i am, left alone heart broken by him? isn't finding love supposed to be a happy story? a never ending joy that you have? it's funny, it's like i cry now because i have to, cause if my mind doesn't stop screaming at me, it's like i did something wrong. and half my brain hates the other half. it's like my whole entire existance is blaming me for everything. I'm never a good enough daughter for my parents. i'm never good enough in school for my teachers, or my parents. i'm never good enough of a person for everyone. i'm just not perfect. All around, i have a body that is apparently skinny? i don't find so, i detest my body? sure i should be happy with what i recieved but i'm not.. i'm not pleased with my looks? i'm just all around a big mess. everytime i think, "wow i could really enjoy my life..," all the things i resent and my body rejects come creeping back around the corner. it's not really like a suprise i sort of wait for the hell to rejoin my head. my mind is constantly thinking, i can't even enjoy sleep anymore.. i just don't know what to do anymore...
i guess clothes make me feel better? but i don't think i should be allowed to shop at the moment. i might go a little crazy for my parents liking...
i'm going to go attempt to sleep, clear my head.
ha, oh i'd love that.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Shameful Links (C)
Dear stranger, it's C .
Hey stangers, so I guess you could say my head is a little clearer? Not racing as much, I think it has to do with a certain friend who happened to reappear in my life. Her name is U. She moved to Winnipeg 5 years ago, then moved to florida. Maybe this is exactly what I needed to forget about my stupid aching pain for a day and go out with my old friend. And I did. And I enjoyed myself, fully enjoyed myself for a whole night. I didn't think of X once. I even decided to dye my hair, which is weird because if I was alone that would be the last thing on my mind. I found out what my addiction is. It's warmth, laughter, distraction. Anything to be smart enough to distract me... Most friends let you suffer and talk about it. But not mine, I want nothing more than constant distraction, I want to laugh and have fun and be light. I don't want to go into my head these days, I want to stay out of the dark never ending tunnel that my brain has become.. A perfect way to keep that happening-
U offered me something I could barely wrap my head around. A trip, to florida for a month in the summer, which is only four months away. I'm sure I can make it through four months? .... Can you believe it, a month in florida? No parents, no stupid cell phone, no idiots I hate, just me, J and my old friend in florida- shopping, and tanning. Sounds perfect. I'm going to discuss it with my parents. I'm hoping they see the pleeding in my eyes, and realise I need this trip to get the fuck out of were I am. I can't stand being in this house. I look around and everything reminds me of him. I can't take the constant tears, I need to have a thrill! I need to go somewhere totally new, and weird and have nothing but fun. Not think all summer! Maybe I'll come back completely healed.... Or maybe I'll come back the exact same. Maybe even worse? But I don't care. I am willing to take that risk to live my life. I don't think I will ever fully forget X... He was, well he was my everything. And I'm his nothing.. I'll have to deal with that and move on.. But I won't ever fully forget him. I can't. The hole in my chest won't let me. Maybe this is my shameful link... my way out? My chance to live my life. I don't know who I am anymore.
And I don't even care, I need this. I want this, and I will have this.
Hey stangers, so I guess you could say my head is a little clearer? Not racing as much, I think it has to do with a certain friend who happened to reappear in my life. Her name is U. She moved to Winnipeg 5 years ago, then moved to florida. Maybe this is exactly what I needed to forget about my stupid aching pain for a day and go out with my old friend. And I did. And I enjoyed myself, fully enjoyed myself for a whole night. I didn't think of X once. I even decided to dye my hair, which is weird because if I was alone that would be the last thing on my mind. I found out what my addiction is. It's warmth, laughter, distraction. Anything to be smart enough to distract me... Most friends let you suffer and talk about it. But not mine, I want nothing more than constant distraction, I want to laugh and have fun and be light. I don't want to go into my head these days, I want to stay out of the dark never ending tunnel that my brain has become.. A perfect way to keep that happening-
U offered me something I could barely wrap my head around. A trip, to florida for a month in the summer, which is only four months away. I'm sure I can make it through four months? .... Can you believe it, a month in florida? No parents, no stupid cell phone, no idiots I hate, just me, J and my old friend in florida- shopping, and tanning. Sounds perfect. I'm going to discuss it with my parents. I'm hoping they see the pleeding in my eyes, and realise I need this trip to get the fuck out of were I am. I can't stand being in this house. I look around and everything reminds me of him. I can't take the constant tears, I need to have a thrill! I need to go somewhere totally new, and weird and have nothing but fun. Not think all summer! Maybe I'll come back completely healed.... Or maybe I'll come back the exact same. Maybe even worse? But I don't care. I am willing to take that risk to live my life. I don't think I will ever fully forget X... He was, well he was my everything. And I'm his nothing.. I'll have to deal with that and move on.. But I won't ever fully forget him. I can't. The hole in my chest won't let me. Maybe this is my shameful link... my way out? My chance to live my life. I don't know who I am anymore.
And I don't even care, I need this. I want this, and I will have this.
Slippery Addiction (J)
Dear stranger, it's J .
I have an addiction. I don't believe it's too harmful, but I have been told otherwise. I guess it could be considered a drug, technically it is... But it just doesn't seem serious; caffeine.
I type this as I sit beside my sculpture of RedBull cans, it's getting pretty big... But I'm not worried.
How could something that tastes so good be bad?
I've sortof been living on RedBull, when I' m craving caffeine at school I'll resort to a cappucino.
I can't go very long without Redbull without having a bad headache from caffeine withdrawal now...
I'm definitely hooked, I overdose almost everyday and it barely affects me, I'm used to it. But when I go without it is when I start suffering.
I'm drinking one right now.
I'm not trying to quit it, because I don't think I could.
But the only thing that worries me is that I get hooked on things fast and bad.
I have a Very addictive personality, when I do something I go all the way. If I find something I like, I overdo it, I can't get enough. I have tons of little addictions.
There's a definite possibilty that I could have a truly harmful addiction in future.
Once is never enough.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Dancing Thoughts (C)
Dear strangers, it's C .
Another endless night, no sleep just nightmares. I would kill for one night to sleep with no thought, to just sleep and feel nothing. It's like my head wants my heart to hurt. I should probably explain the situation between me and X that would make what I'm saying make sense? I love him, I still love him, and I need him and he doesn't care. He was sweet, kind, funny, absolutely jaw dropping, he was incredible. "The perfect guy for me," but like most things I want he happened to slip away. He said the distance was getting to be too much, but deep down I knew he didn't like me anymore. It sounds so much less dramatic on paper, but my head begs to differ. I wouldn't even call my head sane, it's just this never ending list of pros and cons, what did I do wrong, what would have helped his decision? I understand you can't help how people feel, but I did nothing wrong, I guess I should be thankful for the time he blessed me with, and just look back on those memories and be happy... But I can't. I can't think that he did this for the better good. He says it' ll be better for us, that he needs me in his life and that we have to still be friends. The phone call was like taking a bullet. One second I'm thinking about him, loving him, the next I'm gassping for air in what seemed like an hour. It felt like my lungs shut down, my entire body was bolted to the floor, I couldn't move. He kept requesting something, but I was in too much of a daze to give a shit. I simply said okay and clicked the off button. Most people would say that was stupid, would demand for an answer and ask wtf his problem was, why he was doing this? Well not me, I just tried to concentrate on my breathing. It didn't come back to me for about 2 minutes. I finally fell to the floor with what seemed like a silent thud. I hit the speed dial. I heard J's voice, and I exploded. I couldn't make sense of the moment, I couldn't even think, all I knew was I couldn't be alone. I wouldn't be alone. She picked me up like the good friend she is and took me to her house. I sat there for a bit but still nothing. No sadness , nothing. I was numb. I would say people would rather be numb than feel pain, but at that moment I needed to feel something, I felt dead. Like my body was completely dead, my mind was screaming things at me, but I didn't even flinch, I just sat there and tried to absorb it all in. Then I realised the numbness doesn't last long, and I should have enjoyed it when I had it, now it's just aching pain. Hearing his name causes me to cry, there's like this big empty space inside my body that aches all day long. I feel like I should shove something in the hole and make it shut up. I don't like dwelling on things, I'm usually the kinda person who accepts to be cheated on and used for personal pleasure. I usually just pretend it doesn't bug me and move on, says we'll stay friends. But in this case it was more of a... shock? More of a slap in the face. Don't you break up with boyfriends and girlfriends when one has done something wrong? Or aren't you suppose to be honest about it if you don't like them and were playing them the whole time? You don't say , "its the distance it's killing me I can't not be able to see you when I want, so we can't be together ," ... Does that make any sense? Or is it just me? I'm thinking maybe there's something wrong with me. That guys love doing stuff and thats about it, but he promised me, that he was different from all the stupid guys who use me. I shouldn't have believed him. I know that now, but I don't care. I still want him, my body is running through every memory we ever had, and it's making the hole hurt even more, it's like it has its own mind. A mind that I can't control. I'm almost considering being his friend just so I can hear his voice, see his face. The hole in my chest will just love that. At night it just keeps shooting flicks of pain, until I am close to drifting to sleep. Then all the pain and tears come pouring out. What am I supposed to do when my head is in love with him, my heart craves him.. but my body hurts for him...
deal with the pain to see him, smell him, touch him..
Or listen to what this ragging hole in my chest is saying and remove all contact... Will that even help? I can't do either, I can't even choose a fucking shoe. My mind is always racing these days, I can't sleep. I can't really eat. Everytime something looks appetizing I think about him for a split second, and then nothing, I'm not hungry; I'm nauseated.
Maybe I should be thankful, maybe all this will make me skinnier than I ever hoped i would be.
Or maybe slowly but surely it'll kill me.
Another endless night, no sleep just nightmares. I would kill for one night to sleep with no thought, to just sleep and feel nothing. It's like my head wants my heart to hurt. I should probably explain the situation between me and X that would make what I'm saying make sense? I love him, I still love him, and I need him and he doesn't care. He was sweet, kind, funny, absolutely jaw dropping, he was incredible. "The perfect guy for me," but like most things I want he happened to slip away. He said the distance was getting to be too much, but deep down I knew he didn't like me anymore. It sounds so much less dramatic on paper, but my head begs to differ. I wouldn't even call my head sane, it's just this never ending list of pros and cons, what did I do wrong, what would have helped his decision? I understand you can't help how people feel, but I did nothing wrong, I guess I should be thankful for the time he blessed me with, and just look back on those memories and be happy... But I can't. I can't think that he did this for the better good. He says it' ll be better for us, that he needs me in his life and that we have to still be friends. The phone call was like taking a bullet. One second I'm thinking about him, loving him, the next I'm gassping for air in what seemed like an hour. It felt like my lungs shut down, my entire body was bolted to the floor, I couldn't move. He kept requesting something, but I was in too much of a daze to give a shit. I simply said okay and clicked the off button. Most people would say that was stupid, would demand for an answer and ask wtf his problem was, why he was doing this? Well not me, I just tried to concentrate on my breathing. It didn't come back to me for about 2 minutes. I finally fell to the floor with what seemed like a silent thud. I hit the speed dial. I heard J's voice, and I exploded. I couldn't make sense of the moment, I couldn't even think, all I knew was I couldn't be alone. I wouldn't be alone. She picked me up like the good friend she is and took me to her house. I sat there for a bit but still nothing. No sadness , nothing. I was numb. I would say people would rather be numb than feel pain, but at that moment I needed to feel something, I felt dead. Like my body was completely dead, my mind was screaming things at me, but I didn't even flinch, I just sat there and tried to absorb it all in. Then I realised the numbness doesn't last long, and I should have enjoyed it when I had it, now it's just aching pain. Hearing his name causes me to cry, there's like this big empty space inside my body that aches all day long. I feel like I should shove something in the hole and make it shut up. I don't like dwelling on things, I'm usually the kinda person who accepts to be cheated on and used for personal pleasure. I usually just pretend it doesn't bug me and move on, says we'll stay friends. But in this case it was more of a... shock? More of a slap in the face. Don't you break up with boyfriends and girlfriends when one has done something wrong? Or aren't you suppose to be honest about it if you don't like them and were playing them the whole time? You don't say , "its the distance it's killing me I can't not be able to see you when I want, so we can't be together ," ... Does that make any sense? Or is it just me? I'm thinking maybe there's something wrong with me. That guys love doing stuff and thats about it, but he promised me, that he was different from all the stupid guys who use me. I shouldn't have believed him. I know that now, but I don't care. I still want him, my body is running through every memory we ever had, and it's making the hole hurt even more, it's like it has its own mind. A mind that I can't control. I'm almost considering being his friend just so I can hear his voice, see his face. The hole in my chest will just love that. At night it just keeps shooting flicks of pain, until I am close to drifting to sleep. Then all the pain and tears come pouring out. What am I supposed to do when my head is in love with him, my heart craves him.. but my body hurts for him...
deal with the pain to see him, smell him, touch him..
Or listen to what this ragging hole in my chest is saying and remove all contact... Will that even help? I can't do either, I can't even choose a fucking shoe. My mind is always racing these days, I can't sleep. I can't really eat. Everytime something looks appetizing I think about him for a split second, and then nothing, I'm not hungry; I'm nauseated.
Maybe I should be thankful, maybe all this will make me skinnier than I ever hoped i would be.
Or maybe slowly but surely it'll kill me.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Screeching Memories (J)
Dear stranger, it's J .
I guess it would be a good idea to start off with my background, the past that made me what I am today. Although most of it I'd rather not bring up again, this is where I'll be writing everything, even things I'd rather not face myself. The best place to start off with would be my last year of elementary school...
Grade five was probably one of the easiest years of my life, apart from kindergarten. Considering there weren't many students in the school, I was considered the most popular girl in the school. Which I was okay with at the time, more than okay with, I thrived on it. I had my 2 best girlfriends, a boyfriend whom I thought was amazing, and a few close guy friends. Though I regret this, I probably didn't treat any of my other classmates.. with much respect. My closest girlfriend, let's call her L, was hilarious and I loved her. But L was always kindof the beta, and not to pleased about that. She seemed to always want to take my place, she'd always say things to try and make me jealous about her past experiences with my boyfriend. I brushed them off. The thing that got to me most was her constant copying. Every single time I said I liked something, she just happened to like it too. She copied everything I did. One day I thought I'd get a good laugh, so I went to school and found L, I told her that I wasn't a fan of the New Jersey Devils anymore (Which dontcha know it, she was) I started liking the Buffalo's or something like that. I'm really not that into sports whatsoever. She automatically agreed, when I told her I was totally kidding, she claimed she had been too. I'd had enough of this bullshit.
My first day of middle school (Grade 6), I went early, and alone. I was lost. I didn't know why everyone was staring at me all the time for the first few weeks. My first concrete memory of middleschool was one recess when the two 'prettiest', most popular grade 6 girl's approached me.
It was pretty awkward, I've got to say, but it was probably only me who felt like that...
It was kindof like an invitation into their world. The one where you think you're above everyone, and that everyone is jealous of you. Some may be jealous, but more than that - everyone actually HATES you for being so stuck-up, including L because she wasn't accepted by these bitches. I could never really handle all the drama that they craved for and made happen. I tried to be sweet and sincere and not rude to others, but it's difficult when you're always surrounded by phony bullshit. I tried to be nice to everyone but since I'm extremely awkward, and they all thought I was a bitch, I never really talked to anyone outside my big circle of friends. Many rumors were spread about me, and my "friends" were always getting into superficial fights with eachother and with me. One of these times I told them I wouldn't be like the other girls, I wasn't going to go crawling back to them and I was done with all this. Our friendships were over. They made everyone hate me, including a couple of boyfriends I had throughout this tough year.
It was the summer before Grade 7, I had just lost all my friends, and didn't really know anyone else at the school... who liked me at least. It was horrible, especially having to deal with all the 'accidental run-ins' with them and the prank phone calls.
Thank goodness for C though. We started talking on msn frequently and we became good friends, we started hanging out and it was really fun. I was relieved to have found a true friend in the midst of all this. She had introduced me to some of her friends, we hit it off.
Unfortunately it didn't last too much longer because she was now accepted into the popular group. It was pretty depressing, I had told her about everything that had happened but in middleschool the only thing on everyone's mind is fitting in and being 'popular'. I didn't blame her for this, at first I felt as though the popular girl's were targetting me and rubbing it in- the fact that I was a total outcast. They definitely got me back good. Fortunately I did have a few other friends by this time, my 2 closest friends now were A and M. We had a lot of fun through the first half of grade 7, A was hysterical but self-concious. M was fun too but I always felt like she may leave in a blink of an eye if she was shown interest by these fucking fembots.
Oddly, I was wrong about M. But unfortunately about A too, it seemed I had them mixed up.
A left us for the fembots. I saw her the next day at school ignoring M and me. She didn't look like herself, she had her hair done, she was in a dress and had make-up on. A part of me was happy to see her with some confidence. But at the same time this was the second time this had happened, sooner or later it was bound to happen with M.
Grade 8 was a little better in the sense that I was finally being left alone by the fembots. I was slowly becoming good friends with C again which was relieving, she'd made new friends, not like I approved of them either. Her new bestfriend was B, only popular because of her slutty reputation, she wasn't one of the fembots which was a plus. C was still popular which I didn't mind, I was over all this superficial stuff and I don't think she was in it for popularity by this point, she'd actually become good friends with them. This year I had a new crush, Bam. It was more than a crush, though we were never a couple I felt I had a connection with him I hadn't had with anyone else. Unfortunately he was also friends with B, I was always paranoid about this because she was a huge skank. By the end of grade 8 I had a new reputation too.
I was the emo chick. Everyone was scared of me, I had a labret stud which seemed to be a huge deal at that age. I wore black eye make-up, clothes and skinny jeans. I listened to 'scary' music. I looked 'scary'. I dressed 'scary'. I 'was scary'. I hated everyone.
I had become pretty good friends with C again, and still friends with M, I had few other friends.
Everyone was really immature about my... transition. They all talked shit about me. People even threw rocks and glass at me saying, "Eat them!" I just laughed. Little boys dumped water on M and me, we just laughed. Although... I did get them back.
I was often in the office, I had a problem with authority, with the superficial twits, and with all the jackasses. Graduation was the best day of my life. I knew highschool wouldn't be the same.
It isn't. It feels as though popularity doesn't exist in highschool or maybe I'm just doing a good job ignoring it. These first few months of Grade 9 have been pretty simple, easy, and carefree. I can't yet say that I passed all my courses this first semester, but who really cares? Not me, highschool should be the funnest years of your life. You only get your youth once, so fucking enjoy it.
As of now, I don't have any enemies, mostly aqquaintances. I'm not still classified as emo, I don't think... but all I really care about right now is the fact that my adorable cat is eating my hair and my eyelids weigh a ton. Goodnight.
I guess it would be a good idea to start off with my background, the past that made me what I am today. Although most of it I'd rather not bring up again, this is where I'll be writing everything, even things I'd rather not face myself. The best place to start off with would be my last year of elementary school...
Grade five was probably one of the easiest years of my life, apart from kindergarten. Considering there weren't many students in the school, I was considered the most popular girl in the school. Which I was okay with at the time, more than okay with, I thrived on it. I had my 2 best girlfriends, a boyfriend whom I thought was amazing, and a few close guy friends. Though I regret this, I probably didn't treat any of my other classmates.. with much respect. My closest girlfriend, let's call her L, was hilarious and I loved her. But L was always kindof the beta, and not to pleased about that. She seemed to always want to take my place, she'd always say things to try and make me jealous about her past experiences with my boyfriend. I brushed them off. The thing that got to me most was her constant copying. Every single time I said I liked something, she just happened to like it too. She copied everything I did. One day I thought I'd get a good laugh, so I went to school and found L, I told her that I wasn't a fan of the New Jersey Devils anymore (Which dontcha know it, she was) I started liking the Buffalo's or something like that. I'm really not that into sports whatsoever. She automatically agreed, when I told her I was totally kidding, she claimed she had been too. I'd had enough of this bullshit.
My first day of middle school (Grade 6), I went early, and alone. I was lost. I didn't know why everyone was staring at me all the time for the first few weeks. My first concrete memory of middleschool was one recess when the two 'prettiest', most popular grade 6 girl's approached me.
It was pretty awkward, I've got to say, but it was probably only me who felt like that...
It was kindof like an invitation into their world. The one where you think you're above everyone, and that everyone is jealous of you. Some may be jealous, but more than that - everyone actually HATES you for being so stuck-up, including L because she wasn't accepted by these bitches. I could never really handle all the drama that they craved for and made happen. I tried to be sweet and sincere and not rude to others, but it's difficult when you're always surrounded by phony bullshit. I tried to be nice to everyone but since I'm extremely awkward, and they all thought I was a bitch, I never really talked to anyone outside my big circle of friends. Many rumors were spread about me, and my "friends" were always getting into superficial fights with eachother and with me. One of these times I told them I wouldn't be like the other girls, I wasn't going to go crawling back to them and I was done with all this. Our friendships were over. They made everyone hate me, including a couple of boyfriends I had throughout this tough year.
It was the summer before Grade 7, I had just lost all my friends, and didn't really know anyone else at the school... who liked me at least. It was horrible, especially having to deal with all the 'accidental run-ins' with them and the prank phone calls.
Thank goodness for C though. We started talking on msn frequently and we became good friends, we started hanging out and it was really fun. I was relieved to have found a true friend in the midst of all this. She had introduced me to some of her friends, we hit it off.
Unfortunately it didn't last too much longer because she was now accepted into the popular group. It was pretty depressing, I had told her about everything that had happened but in middleschool the only thing on everyone's mind is fitting in and being 'popular'. I didn't blame her for this, at first I felt as though the popular girl's were targetting me and rubbing it in- the fact that I was a total outcast. They definitely got me back good. Fortunately I did have a few other friends by this time, my 2 closest friends now were A and M. We had a lot of fun through the first half of grade 7, A was hysterical but self-concious. M was fun too but I always felt like she may leave in a blink of an eye if she was shown interest by these fucking fembots.
Oddly, I was wrong about M. But unfortunately about A too, it seemed I had them mixed up.
A left us for the fembots. I saw her the next day at school ignoring M and me. She didn't look like herself, she had her hair done, she was in a dress and had make-up on. A part of me was happy to see her with some confidence. But at the same time this was the second time this had happened, sooner or later it was bound to happen with M.
Grade 8 was a little better in the sense that I was finally being left alone by the fembots. I was slowly becoming good friends with C again which was relieving, she'd made new friends, not like I approved of them either. Her new bestfriend was B, only popular because of her slutty reputation, she wasn't one of the fembots which was a plus. C was still popular which I didn't mind, I was over all this superficial stuff and I don't think she was in it for popularity by this point, she'd actually become good friends with them. This year I had a new crush, Bam. It was more than a crush, though we were never a couple I felt I had a connection with him I hadn't had with anyone else. Unfortunately he was also friends with B, I was always paranoid about this because she was a huge skank. By the end of grade 8 I had a new reputation too.
I was the emo chick. Everyone was scared of me, I had a labret stud which seemed to be a huge deal at that age. I wore black eye make-up, clothes and skinny jeans. I listened to 'scary' music. I looked 'scary'. I dressed 'scary'. I 'was scary'. I hated everyone.
I had become pretty good friends with C again, and still friends with M, I had few other friends.
Everyone was really immature about my... transition. They all talked shit about me. People even threw rocks and glass at me saying, "Eat them!" I just laughed. Little boys dumped water on M and me, we just laughed. Although... I did get them back.
I was often in the office, I had a problem with authority, with the superficial twits, and with all the jackasses. Graduation was the best day of my life. I knew highschool wouldn't be the same.
It isn't. It feels as though popularity doesn't exist in highschool or maybe I'm just doing a good job ignoring it. These first few months of Grade 9 have been pretty simple, easy, and carefree. I can't yet say that I passed all my courses this first semester, but who really cares? Not me, highschool should be the funnest years of your life. You only get your youth once, so fucking enjoy it.
As of now, I don't have any enemies, mostly aqquaintances. I'm not still classified as emo, I don't think... but all I really care about right now is the fact that my adorable cat is eating my hair and my eyelids weigh a ton. Goodnight.
Starving Nostalgia (C)
Dear strangers, its C .
So, I'm guessing you're a little curious about exactly who I am, and why I even chose to do this. But if you think about it, we all need some place to release everything our bodies won't let us say, or even reject feeling, we all slip, we all mess up, well we're all far from perfect. Most people say high school are the best years of your life. I'm in grade nine. Just starting high school. And let me just say it really hasn't been so great. I have my two best friends, J and V who will hopefully be there with me through the tough years coming. So I guess I should talk about my past, give you a little bit of information about myself?
God do i miss kindergarten; no thinking, no emotion unless it's about who stole your favourite crayon. No tears, no heart break, no fights. Everything just kinda flowed. Most people say middle school is supposed to be like that too right? I've never been one to listen to what people have to say. Middle school was hell. I hated every bit of it. Grade six started out sweet, fun, casual, just meeting some new friends. Not really worrying about the work as much as the social crowd. Trying to fit in. By the end of grade 6 I really realised how stupid and super ficial most people are, but like most young kids I ignored my better judgement and surrounded myself with "popular people" aha that was mistake one, mistake two was trusting them. I know when you're young and you're carefree you don't really think, but if i had, it would have saved me months of tears.
Grade seven just got worse. but luckily I had met J by that time and she was there with me through almost all of it but once again, because i was so stupid, I left her for the popular kids. That's okay though because i got more than my share of karma on that. You'd think that after being fucked over thousands of times I would pick my friends wisely right? Well i didn't. I picked P as my bestfriend. She was cute, sweet... But only on the outside. On the inside she was nothing more than an emotionally unstable wreck. But then again I am too so I don't have much of a place to judge. She was usually a good friend, kept most of my secrets. But she would usually let the really deep ones slip during conversation. I became the outcast. But as soon as the populars gave me the hint of light, I took it. Even through all the shit they put me through when i was a part of their group or not I was always taking their shit. I took their chance, and resumed my place in their group. Because I loved the idea. I needed to be that "it" girl I wasn't so don't worry but I had met a guy whom which i loved. He was my everything, or so I thought. I thought I was in love but that might have just been because I was young. His name was K. He was so incredibly gorgeous it hurt my eyes to look at him. I couldn't stay mad at him no matter what he did, I was completely dazzled by his beauty. He may have looked like a 16 year old on the outside but on the inside he was just a kid. I always went back to him though. Not sure why? Maybe it's cause i craved for him, I needed him like i needed a drug. He was my drug, even when he left me time and time again I still took him back. Even when I knew his heart wasn't in it for the right reasons. I guess you could say I brought half this on myself but it's a lot harder to see what it's doing to you when you think you love the person, or you think you love what they're offering you.
Grade eight was a clearer year. Until I got involved with B, she was the best friend I ever had, she had the worst rep and was a complete slut. She was eveyrthing I hated and everything I loved all wrapped up into one person. Which made it that much harder to take her out of my life. After losing all my, "so called friends," and my best friend of all- P, I finally left B. I regained P's trust and we became the best friends we always were. But our relationship was kinda like a rollercoaster. Never really knew what was gonna happen, a lot of people love surprises but in friendship your constantly looking for support, love and trust? Well she didn't exactly give me that 100%, and neither did I. So I figured that was the end of that. Well no, we still dragged it out into high school.
Grade nine, the first year of highschool; the group that loves me, that I can barely stand? There's no such thing as popular in highschool, just faces. Tons and tons of faces. Me and J try to keep away from all that shit but it doesn't really work. It seems to always be creeping around the corner. We already consider ourselves the outcasts. I pretty much hate all girls, there are a couple I like though, but usually they just really annoy me. I generally get along with guys more, they're always pretty honest and just chill. I fell in love this year. His name was X. He was everything I can't put into words. Everything I loved all in a single person. He lived far, but I didn't care, I needded him as bad as i thought he needed me... It's hard to even talk about. I can't even put all my emotions into words. My head is spinning it's like it's telling me one thing, then changing it and turning it into something else.
I'll definitly write another blog soon, but for now I need to be able to think about it clearly before I can even try to explain mine and X's situation.
Are we all just play toys until the real thing comes around?
So, I'm guessing you're a little curious about exactly who I am, and why I even chose to do this. But if you think about it, we all need some place to release everything our bodies won't let us say, or even reject feeling, we all slip, we all mess up, well we're all far from perfect. Most people say high school are the best years of your life. I'm in grade nine. Just starting high school. And let me just say it really hasn't been so great. I have my two best friends, J and V who will hopefully be there with me through the tough years coming. So I guess I should talk about my past, give you a little bit of information about myself?
God do i miss kindergarten; no thinking, no emotion unless it's about who stole your favourite crayon. No tears, no heart break, no fights. Everything just kinda flowed. Most people say middle school is supposed to be like that too right? I've never been one to listen to what people have to say. Middle school was hell. I hated every bit of it. Grade six started out sweet, fun, casual, just meeting some new friends. Not really worrying about the work as much as the social crowd. Trying to fit in. By the end of grade 6 I really realised how stupid and super ficial most people are, but like most young kids I ignored my better judgement and surrounded myself with "popular people" aha that was mistake one, mistake two was trusting them. I know when you're young and you're carefree you don't really think, but if i had, it would have saved me months of tears.
Grade seven just got worse. but luckily I had met J by that time and she was there with me through almost all of it but once again, because i was so stupid, I left her for the popular kids. That's okay though because i got more than my share of karma on that. You'd think that after being fucked over thousands of times I would pick my friends wisely right? Well i didn't. I picked P as my bestfriend. She was cute, sweet... But only on the outside. On the inside she was nothing more than an emotionally unstable wreck. But then again I am too so I don't have much of a place to judge. She was usually a good friend, kept most of my secrets. But she would usually let the really deep ones slip during conversation. I became the outcast. But as soon as the populars gave me the hint of light, I took it. Even through all the shit they put me through when i was a part of their group or not I was always taking their shit. I took their chance, and resumed my place in their group. Because I loved the idea. I needed to be that "it" girl I wasn't so don't worry but I had met a guy whom which i loved. He was my everything, or so I thought. I thought I was in love but that might have just been because I was young. His name was K. He was so incredibly gorgeous it hurt my eyes to look at him. I couldn't stay mad at him no matter what he did, I was completely dazzled by his beauty. He may have looked like a 16 year old on the outside but on the inside he was just a kid. I always went back to him though. Not sure why? Maybe it's cause i craved for him, I needed him like i needed a drug. He was my drug, even when he left me time and time again I still took him back. Even when I knew his heart wasn't in it for the right reasons. I guess you could say I brought half this on myself but it's a lot harder to see what it's doing to you when you think you love the person, or you think you love what they're offering you.
Grade eight was a clearer year. Until I got involved with B, she was the best friend I ever had, she had the worst rep and was a complete slut. She was eveyrthing I hated and everything I loved all wrapped up into one person. Which made it that much harder to take her out of my life. After losing all my, "so called friends," and my best friend of all- P, I finally left B. I regained P's trust and we became the best friends we always were. But our relationship was kinda like a rollercoaster. Never really knew what was gonna happen, a lot of people love surprises but in friendship your constantly looking for support, love and trust? Well she didn't exactly give me that 100%, and neither did I. So I figured that was the end of that. Well no, we still dragged it out into high school.
Grade nine, the first year of highschool; the group that loves me, that I can barely stand? There's no such thing as popular in highschool, just faces. Tons and tons of faces. Me and J try to keep away from all that shit but it doesn't really work. It seems to always be creeping around the corner. We already consider ourselves the outcasts. I pretty much hate all girls, there are a couple I like though, but usually they just really annoy me. I generally get along with guys more, they're always pretty honest and just chill. I fell in love this year. His name was X. He was everything I can't put into words. Everything I loved all in a single person. He lived far, but I didn't care, I needded him as bad as i thought he needed me... It's hard to even talk about. I can't even put all my emotions into words. My head is spinning it's like it's telling me one thing, then changing it and turning it into something else.
I'll definitly write another blog soon, but for now I need to be able to think about it clearly before I can even try to explain mine and X's situation.
Are we all just play toys until the real thing comes around?
Monday, January 26, 2009
Polished Beginning
Dear Stranger,
Welcome to our lives, this is our personal diary, our get away. The things you read on this blog will take you into our heads, and reveal the things we dread, dream and pretty much who we are. It's not always going to be civil, but it will be honest.
Our opinions, thoughts, choices, secrets, past, future and present will be readable. Personal photos, goals, achievements, dreams, events and such will be to your access. We'll put personal comments and recommendations on certain topics. We will write weekly, if not daily so it will be constantly updated, and readers will be allowed to write suggestions and such on the blog,
To contact us personally, our emails our listed below, please don't abuse this privilege. Feel free to ask us about ourselves, and if you have any personal questions you would like our opinion on, we would be more than willing to assist you.
sweetiepie980@hotmail.com (C)
ecstacyO_o@live.com (J)
Welcome to our lives, this is our personal diary, our get away. The things you read on this blog will take you into our heads, and reveal the things we dread, dream and pretty much who we are. It's not always going to be civil, but it will be honest.
Our opinions, thoughts, choices, secrets, past, future and present will be readable. Personal photos, goals, achievements, dreams, events and such will be to your access. We'll put personal comments and recommendations on certain topics. We will write weekly, if not daily so it will be constantly updated, and readers will be allowed to write suggestions and such on the blog,
To contact us personally, our emails our listed below, please don't abuse this privilege. Feel free to ask us about ourselves, and if you have any personal questions you would like our opinion on, we would be more than willing to assist you.
sweetiepie980@hotmail.com (C)
ecstacyO_o@live.com (J)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
