Dear stranger, it's J .
I've discovered the magnifiscent benefits to drugs and alcohol. Of course I've always been a fan of them, I've never fully enjoyed them to their potential i guess...
I have a psychotherapy appointment tomorrow morning, it was made a month ago. I was so far in the dumps, I had no care in the world, nothing mattered. I was so depressed, and had lots of stress and anxiety. I had tried so many things to make me feel better. I had cut, which I have many scars from now, I had bought self-help books, I tried everything. Nothing worked I still hated my self, and hated the world.
Then I started spiking my drinks whenever I could, and I bought some weed.
Of course I have had plenty of alcohol before, and had tried weed a couple times but never really been high... Anyways, I may not be doing as well in school, but for once I am happy. I've been a drink-spiking pothead for the past few weeks and it's been divine.
I don't need this appointment anymore, I feel fine. I just need fucking drug-money xP
P.S. If this doesn't make sense, I apoligize... I'm a little out-of-it.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Dear strangers, its C
im starting to feel things iv never felt in such great doses before. Guilt, guilt for the pain im clearly causing my family, my friends, my life. Pain for the things i cant yet discribe, but that burden me everyday. Irritation that the pain wont go away, joy for things i should not be thinking about. and one that i cant quite find a name for.. i just feel disconected from my body my life my everyhintg. everyhintg that kept me here is now evaporated.
im standing on my own . with a single rope. no better a string holding me in place.
j. she is my life. our moods react and change around each others. if shes sad im sad. if she joyfull im joyful. if shes confused im confused. It seems to me that we look at the world in a similar prospective. certain things clearly difine us for indivduals, but in general our minds work the same.
iv never found someone i relate to before. not like this. i have been in love and not related to the person this much. He broke my heart ,but and only now do i realise he never fully had my heart, for he did not fully understand it, because no one understands. if more time had gone bye, im pretty sure he would have completly taken it with him when he abbandoned me. But since J had a piece of my heart when he broke the rest, i am still here.
she is the reason i am alive now, and only now did i realise. She keeps me sain. helps me when i feel distroid.
shes my bes friend, and she will forever stay that way, on my part .
and i will keep going, as long as she keeps going.
im starting to feel things iv never felt in such great doses before. Guilt, guilt for the pain im clearly causing my family, my friends, my life. Pain for the things i cant yet discribe, but that burden me everyday. Irritation that the pain wont go away, joy for things i should not be thinking about. and one that i cant quite find a name for.. i just feel disconected from my body my life my everyhintg. everyhintg that kept me here is now evaporated.
im standing on my own . with a single rope. no better a string holding me in place.
j. she is my life. our moods react and change around each others. if shes sad im sad. if she joyfull im joyful. if shes confused im confused. It seems to me that we look at the world in a similar prospective. certain things clearly difine us for indivduals, but in general our minds work the same.
iv never found someone i relate to before. not like this. i have been in love and not related to the person this much. He broke my heart ,but and only now do i realise he never fully had my heart, for he did not fully understand it, because no one understands. if more time had gone bye, im pretty sure he would have completly taken it with him when he abbandoned me. But since J had a piece of my heart when he broke the rest, i am still here.
she is the reason i am alive now, and only now did i realise. She keeps me sain. helps me when i feel distroid.
shes my bes friend, and she will forever stay that way, on my part .
and i will keep going, as long as she keeps going.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Its thrieving on me
dear strangers its c,
everyday passes, not that i notice. it irritates me that school is the anoying reason i have to get out of bed.
going to school used to feel like a coma, now its my own personal hell. but then again so is my house so whats the difference?
only thing that seems to be keeping me sane would be music, j's constant matching moods and obvcourse unconsions. the beauty of dreaming. i would do it all the time. life is so much better in dreams. so much less blury. i can barely see where things are headed, i only now my own feelings. and those change almost as easily as the time on the clock. iv gotten uncontrolably clumsy and anti social over the course of what seems to be my life, although i wouldnt call it much of a life? and im pretey sure im not the only one who seems to be picking up on the fact that in the last 3 months iv lost all sense of everything, and have stoped caring and stoped noticing eveyrthing. im preety much only there in body. the mind however is lost in thought.
i guess i feel bad that my "friends" seem to think im upset, and are reallly bumbed im engnoring them and all the events everyone is so stupidly excited about . alothough im preety sure if my "friends" new how i was feelings all the time, they would go back to perfering that i egnore them, and the social outings they seem to keep brining up.
its so weird, becaus eeven know i dont care, i cant , my body wont let me shrink my responsibilities. i feel its my job and i will for the sake of my parents keep my grades, and keep smiling and pretending to be pleased . its not even that big a deal, im getting used to doing my homework without another word, cooking dinner when my mom decides she doesnt want to, and going to bed when asked. then again i go to bed before they ask just for something to do. usually i have to pase around my room waiting for an "acceptable" hour to go to bed. they have obviously noticed but once again i dont care. they cant say anytrhing as long as my responsabilitys are held.
maybe thats what will happen, ill live this non life of mine, until i die of old age?
everyday passes, not that i notice. it irritates me that school is the anoying reason i have to get out of bed.
going to school used to feel like a coma, now its my own personal hell. but then again so is my house so whats the difference?
only thing that seems to be keeping me sane would be music, j's constant matching moods and obvcourse unconsions. the beauty of dreaming. i would do it all the time. life is so much better in dreams. so much less blury. i can barely see where things are headed, i only now my own feelings. and those change almost as easily as the time on the clock. iv gotten uncontrolably clumsy and anti social over the course of what seems to be my life, although i wouldnt call it much of a life? and im pretey sure im not the only one who seems to be picking up on the fact that in the last 3 months iv lost all sense of everything, and have stoped caring and stoped noticing eveyrthing. im preety much only there in body. the mind however is lost in thought.
i guess i feel bad that my "friends" seem to think im upset, and are reallly bumbed im engnoring them and all the events everyone is so stupidly excited about . alothough im preety sure if my "friends" new how i was feelings all the time, they would go back to perfering that i egnore them, and the social outings they seem to keep brining up.
its so weird, becaus eeven know i dont care, i cant , my body wont let me shrink my responsibilities. i feel its my job and i will for the sake of my parents keep my grades, and keep smiling and pretending to be pleased . its not even that big a deal, im getting used to doing my homework without another word, cooking dinner when my mom decides she doesnt want to, and going to bed when asked. then again i go to bed before they ask just for something to do. usually i have to pase around my room waiting for an "acceptable" hour to go to bed. they have obviously noticed but once again i dont care. they cant say anytrhing as long as my responsabilitys are held.
maybe thats what will happen, ill live this non life of mine, until i die of old age?
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
extrapolating flesh
Dear strangers its C.
its hitting me hard, its mocking me, the pain is mocking me. from the inside of my core out, i am numb with pain. every now in then when people bring it up it stabs and pulses.. makes me feel nautious, i barely get hungry because of it, i gues i should be thankful for getting one hting out of it...
i have since the inscedent
-lost all emotions accpet pain, and depressed.
- all i want to do is be alone and read with music, with accpetions, like J and V for example
-i became horendizly shy and self consious.
- terrbily akward, and over thinking
-endless questions people sem to keep asking, even know its fairly simple to read the expression on my face when there asked, and get there answer.
-the gossiping about me is endlesss. still going on.
-i am fully bored, completly not wanting to get out of bed for the shere reason as" whats the point"
i feel empty, accpet the sudden wave of laughter and joy i get when im with J, im raw.
never feeling somethign whole heartidly, also it seems that my anger is now attached to my tear ducts.
evertime i get overly angry, or feel any strong emotion for that matter, my eyes betray me, and i cry. i try preety hard to fight it seeing as its just another thing that seems to be embarassing me these days, it rarely workes, but im sure my parents know now to accpect it.
the constant bad sleep, nightmares, tears, or montone atitude is preety clear to undrstand,
theyve been really overly happy, trying to boost my mood, mostly its just making me recent myself for putting htem through this hell with me.
no one deserves to feel this kind of pain, its unjust.
its like its not even fullly about x anymore, but he the reason that it was brought on.
i resent him for it, i cant stand him, he is starting the typical sex rumors about me, even know its prety obvious by lookign at me that im a virgin, i wish i wasnt just so i could tell them it was true and make all there days.
i dont really mind that everyone i look at seems to have an opinion about me, its almost like with this new personailty come new strenghts, like i really feeel like i know exaclty what people are thinkiing at all times, i answered a question my dad spoke yeserday, but he didnt say it... it was in his head.
he was fuirous, and said why is this house such crap, i could of sworn i heard him say it, then i asnwered and said just because, he stared at me like i was going mad...
i almost belived it myself.
the feelings people are giving of its almost creepy, i know how they feel specially when they feel akward
it feels like there thoughts are shooting out at me, i feel terrible especially because half the time im the one making them feel the emoiton...
i try not to say anything, or keep quiet around people. but that doesnt seem to help much..
i have found myself not really being concious.. i feel like im just there in body and my mind is so far away, its almost like its runing, runing from me.
i dont blame my mind.
maybe being so raw, and empty will kill me.
its hitting me hard, its mocking me, the pain is mocking me. from the inside of my core out, i am numb with pain. every now in then when people bring it up it stabs and pulses.. makes me feel nautious, i barely get hungry because of it, i gues i should be thankful for getting one hting out of it...
i have since the inscedent
-lost all emotions accpet pain, and depressed.
- all i want to do is be alone and read with music, with accpetions, like J and V for example
-i became horendizly shy and self consious.
- terrbily akward, and over thinking
-endless questions people sem to keep asking, even know its fairly simple to read the expression on my face when there asked, and get there answer.
-the gossiping about me is endlesss. still going on.
-i am fully bored, completly not wanting to get out of bed for the shere reason as" whats the point"
i feel empty, accpet the sudden wave of laughter and joy i get when im with J, im raw.
never feeling somethign whole heartidly, also it seems that my anger is now attached to my tear ducts.
evertime i get overly angry, or feel any strong emotion for that matter, my eyes betray me, and i cry. i try preety hard to fight it seeing as its just another thing that seems to be embarassing me these days, it rarely workes, but im sure my parents know now to accpect it.
the constant bad sleep, nightmares, tears, or montone atitude is preety clear to undrstand,
theyve been really overly happy, trying to boost my mood, mostly its just making me recent myself for putting htem through this hell with me.
no one deserves to feel this kind of pain, its unjust.
its like its not even fullly about x anymore, but he the reason that it was brought on.
i resent him for it, i cant stand him, he is starting the typical sex rumors about me, even know its prety obvious by lookign at me that im a virgin, i wish i wasnt just so i could tell them it was true and make all there days.
i dont really mind that everyone i look at seems to have an opinion about me, its almost like with this new personailty come new strenghts, like i really feeel like i know exaclty what people are thinkiing at all times, i answered a question my dad spoke yeserday, but he didnt say it... it was in his head.
he was fuirous, and said why is this house such crap, i could of sworn i heard him say it, then i asnwered and said just because, he stared at me like i was going mad...
i almost belived it myself.
the feelings people are giving of its almost creepy, i know how they feel specially when they feel akward
it feels like there thoughts are shooting out at me, i feel terrible especially because half the time im the one making them feel the emoiton...
i try not to say anything, or keep quiet around people. but that doesnt seem to help much..
i have found myself not really being concious.. i feel like im just there in body and my mind is so far away, its almost like its runing, runing from me.
i dont blame my mind.
maybe being so raw, and empty will kill me.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
piercing heartbreak
i feeel my own pulse, the rupolsive feelings, the nausia twisted with the sadness..
its a strange mix i must say. im startnig to get used to the painful chest pains i am frequently greeted by these days. there almost a part of me.
the lonlines is starting to numb out, but the pain is here more then ever.
i have been lucky not to have had any contact with him.. then again i have been egnoring everything, my phone, my computer. my parents, "friends", everything. LUCKY me i am stupid and decided to go on msn today. worst day possible, youd think with the hand i have been given i would get a little luck right? ha wrong, he was on. and thats very unusual. i sat staring at screen, before i realised i was online.. i quickly changed my status to appear offline. i cryed. i duno for how long, maybe its because it hasnt stopped.
X said. ?
i didnt respond, i broke down into a mob of sobs, which didnt really fade out that easily. i sat in my room thinking, dreaming. i fell asleep for a bit until i was awakin by my own nightmare. it was scary, black cold... he was there, sitting there telling me how much he loved another girl, i felt so hurt i screamed, and i awoke. i was covered in sweat, and i never sweat. i got up and took a hot hot shower nowing it would numb some of the pain.
not only is my mind in constant motion these days, my body has complelty lost all cordination. i am so clumsy now , if it didnt constantly hurt me im preety sure i would be amused at my own stupidity. So from embarassing myself constantly in gym, constantly being embaressed in almost all of my classes, accept tequ. but that only because i get to put on my music and be alone i have been okay...
i thought for once that i was getting better, i had an amazing weekend with J she always makes me happy. shes like my own alcohal, amazing while shes there. until she leaves and im back in the whole..
iv been really good at keeping normal around people accept the obvious clumsyness, and blushing. mostly people have stoped aksing me whats wrong, that im very thankful for. because without it i would probably end up killingmyself.
its a strange mix i must say. im startnig to get used to the painful chest pains i am frequently greeted by these days. there almost a part of me.
the lonlines is starting to numb out, but the pain is here more then ever.
i have been lucky not to have had any contact with him.. then again i have been egnoring everything, my phone, my computer. my parents, "friends", everything. LUCKY me i am stupid and decided to go on msn today. worst day possible, youd think with the hand i have been given i would get a little luck right? ha wrong, he was on. and thats very unusual. i sat staring at screen, before i realised i was online.. i quickly changed my status to appear offline. i cryed. i duno for how long, maybe its because it hasnt stopped.
X said. ?
i didnt respond, i broke down into a mob of sobs, which didnt really fade out that easily. i sat in my room thinking, dreaming. i fell asleep for a bit until i was awakin by my own nightmare. it was scary, black cold... he was there, sitting there telling me how much he loved another girl, i felt so hurt i screamed, and i awoke. i was covered in sweat, and i never sweat. i got up and took a hot hot shower nowing it would numb some of the pain.
not only is my mind in constant motion these days, my body has complelty lost all cordination. i am so clumsy now , if it didnt constantly hurt me im preety sure i would be amused at my own stupidity. So from embarassing myself constantly in gym, constantly being embaressed in almost all of my classes, accept tequ. but that only because i get to put on my music and be alone i have been okay...
i thought for once that i was getting better, i had an amazing weekend with J she always makes me happy. shes like my own alcohal, amazing while shes there. until she leaves and im back in the whole..
iv been really good at keeping normal around people accept the obvious clumsyness, and blushing. mostly people have stoped aksing me whats wrong, that im very thankful for. because without it i would probably end up killingmyself.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Aging Prints (C)
Dear Strangers, it's C .
Aging prints, i assumed. i assumed the marks X had left on me were going to fade. i never thought he would have scard me so deep..
i was starting to finally think straight, and i have a crush who's name is Q. hes really good looking, really chill, sweet, funny and very easy to talk to. i've noticed i have been around him a lot lately. it's like when i'm with him i'd ont think of X... but when im not with him or J the blackness is so scary.. its scares me. The bleak thought that one day i might get over this pain is almost funny, because i knwo how unreal that dream is.
My best friend J and my other close friends M are quite interesting, one happens to be akward and helarious, the other awkard and shy. i have always considered myself a shy person.. not really that scared to show who i am. as the years have gone by i have slowly been hurt more and more. and at that my bubble grew. the bubble pretects people from who i am, its like i mask. hides myself deep down and alowed me to only show the things i didnt mind being expossed.. the people who were alowed in were very special to me. as they slowly but surely distroyed me, the bubble left them out.. i have met very fiew people since that i have actually let them see the full me. actually only two people.. J and X. J has never once made a scratch on my buble. shes perfect in everyway. she exactly my dream person but in girl version. if i was a guy im preety sure i would be inlove with her. i need her. shes like a part of me. she keeps me alive. i love her like a sister and would never live with my self if i ever hurt her again... and then theres X. he is my heart and soul. i am nothing without him around me.. i am empty. he stole my intire heart and left me with the broken pieces.. i was finaly feeling remotly better, finaly having some dreamless sleeps. but then lucky me. he tried to contact me again. i just dont undestand why hes coming back? i dont have ANYTHING to give him, i have nothing left in me? i cant even begin to discrive what he took from me. he stole my soul. he left me empty, scared, award uncordinated, overthinking, regretting, degrating.. all alone in my own personal hell. my mind.
J and M have been rubbing off on me to.. im being extremly awkward around everyone, akward with my self. i can barely think of things to say to people, without changing my thought. i cant think about anything for more then a minute without seeing X in my head.. i cant even smile.. i only smile around big groups , and its a meaningless smile. its so no one asks me whats wrong. so no one can ever know the things that go on inside my head.. then.. there Q.. a new kid this year who just moved here... hes sweet as i said, hes very easy to talk to , and our eye contact sends shivers down my spin. i almost feel guilty for it. because i know that at any second if X came back to me i would accpet him no matter what, and nowing what it would do to me i would still do it cze i cant not. i can never ever be able to look him in the eyes and pretend i didnt love him. X gives shivers down my spin, even breathing in his sent makes me week in my nees. i can barely thinks straight when im with him. i cant even think. i cant even breathe, i just melt and melt and melt. our relationship was so strong i dont even know how this happend. but it didnt affect him. only me. im the one whos sitting here all alone. its the dark.
i assumed i would feel better now a days but i dont, if anything i feel worse. i have my best friend j going through her own personal hell. i have my new friend L going through her askward new school stage, i have my other friend M going through her i wanna kill L stage. and i have me going through. well i dono what iw ould veer call this.
but whatever it is its fucked.
fucked beyond my experiences
iv been hurt, cut so deep that it was numb. and this , this is excrutiating. this is rediculous.
its more then i ever imagined my mind and body was capable of feelings
im nothing. im starting to think maybe moving would be the best idea. if only i could convince my parents. who seem to not care that im heart broken, infact im preeyt sure they side with X.
they are CONSTATLY bringing him up, and nowing how much it hurt me to even hear his name.and they do it anyways, i was riding home with my dad, the conversation was light fun, then out of no were he brote up X i just about shocked on my own spit.
i didnt answer him, and i tryed to toon out ALL the ride home. i guess he got the message since he turned on the radio and moved to a different topic, i tryed to keep my answered short, and not in anyway a conversation started . he got the message very clear after a couple minutes. we pulled up to the house, and i went straight for my room, preety much been in here ever since.
god i wish my room wasnt so ugly then maybe iw ould feel so disgusted being stuck in it.
maybe my room with be the death of me . or maybe ill be the death of me
Aging prints, i assumed. i assumed the marks X had left on me were going to fade. i never thought he would have scard me so deep..
i was starting to finally think straight, and i have a crush who's name is Q. hes really good looking, really chill, sweet, funny and very easy to talk to. i've noticed i have been around him a lot lately. it's like when i'm with him i'd ont think of X... but when im not with him or J the blackness is so scary.. its scares me. The bleak thought that one day i might get over this pain is almost funny, because i knwo how unreal that dream is.
My best friend J and my other close friends M are quite interesting, one happens to be akward and helarious, the other awkard and shy. i have always considered myself a shy person.. not really that scared to show who i am. as the years have gone by i have slowly been hurt more and more. and at that my bubble grew. the bubble pretects people from who i am, its like i mask. hides myself deep down and alowed me to only show the things i didnt mind being expossed.. the people who were alowed in were very special to me. as they slowly but surely distroyed me, the bubble left them out.. i have met very fiew people since that i have actually let them see the full me. actually only two people.. J and X. J has never once made a scratch on my buble. shes perfect in everyway. she exactly my dream person but in girl version. if i was a guy im preety sure i would be inlove with her. i need her. shes like a part of me. she keeps me alive. i love her like a sister and would never live with my self if i ever hurt her again... and then theres X. he is my heart and soul. i am nothing without him around me.. i am empty. he stole my intire heart and left me with the broken pieces.. i was finaly feeling remotly better, finaly having some dreamless sleeps. but then lucky me. he tried to contact me again. i just dont undestand why hes coming back? i dont have ANYTHING to give him, i have nothing left in me? i cant even begin to discrive what he took from me. he stole my soul. he left me empty, scared, award uncordinated, overthinking, regretting, degrating.. all alone in my own personal hell. my mind.
J and M have been rubbing off on me to.. im being extremly awkward around everyone, akward with my self. i can barely think of things to say to people, without changing my thought. i cant think about anything for more then a minute without seeing X in my head.. i cant even smile.. i only smile around big groups , and its a meaningless smile. its so no one asks me whats wrong. so no one can ever know the things that go on inside my head.. then.. there Q.. a new kid this year who just moved here... hes sweet as i said, hes very easy to talk to , and our eye contact sends shivers down my spin. i almost feel guilty for it. because i know that at any second if X came back to me i would accpet him no matter what, and nowing what it would do to me i would still do it cze i cant not. i can never ever be able to look him in the eyes and pretend i didnt love him. X gives shivers down my spin, even breathing in his sent makes me week in my nees. i can barely thinks straight when im with him. i cant even think. i cant even breathe, i just melt and melt and melt. our relationship was so strong i dont even know how this happend. but it didnt affect him. only me. im the one whos sitting here all alone. its the dark.
i assumed i would feel better now a days but i dont, if anything i feel worse. i have my best friend j going through her own personal hell. i have my new friend L going through her askward new school stage, i have my other friend M going through her i wanna kill L stage. and i have me going through. well i dono what iw ould veer call this.
but whatever it is its fucked.
fucked beyond my experiences
iv been hurt, cut so deep that it was numb. and this , this is excrutiating. this is rediculous.
its more then i ever imagined my mind and body was capable of feelings
im nothing. im starting to think maybe moving would be the best idea. if only i could convince my parents. who seem to not care that im heart broken, infact im preeyt sure they side with X.
they are CONSTATLY bringing him up, and nowing how much it hurt me to even hear his name.and they do it anyways, i was riding home with my dad, the conversation was light fun, then out of no were he brote up X i just about shocked on my own spit.
i didnt answer him, and i tryed to toon out ALL the ride home. i guess he got the message since he turned on the radio and moved to a different topic, i tryed to keep my answered short, and not in anyway a conversation started . he got the message very clear after a couple minutes. we pulled up to the house, and i went straight for my room, preety much been in here ever since.
god i wish my room wasnt so ugly then maybe iw ould feel so disgusted being stuck in it.
maybe my room with be the death of me . or maybe ill be the death of me
Facing Basil (J)
Dear Stranger, it's J .
This weekend I have plans with L and C. I'm pretty excited, but unfortunately I still have to feel guilty because my friend M still hates L.
Basically, among my friends 'basil' is code for weed. Which explains the odd title...
I've gotten to know this new girl, L, quite a bit more. She's pretty awesome, she's very experienced with the whole basil and alcohol thing, more so than me. Of course I have smoked weed, and I have had many drinks and been drunk a number of uncountable times, but this still seems minimal compared to her downtown life. Her parents moved her here to get away from all that bad stuff, I don't want her parents to get the wrong impression of C and I, because I only do those things on rare occasion - considering my age and lack of access to drugs and alcohol.
But also I'm worried that now that we're friends I'll be doing it a lot more. We are this weekend...
I'm psyched for this weekend though. My other two close friends; M and Velvet, are really against weed and partially against alcohol. M always tries to argue the, "Cigarettes aren't as bad as weed," which is absolute nonsense. She hasn't tried either so she can't even have a strong opinion on the subject but she makes me feel bad for doing weed. Whatever. I'm doing it.
I just hope I don't get too into it.
This weekend I have plans with L and C. I'm pretty excited, but unfortunately I still have to feel guilty because my friend M still hates L.
Basically, among my friends 'basil' is code for weed. Which explains the odd title...
I've gotten to know this new girl, L, quite a bit more. She's pretty awesome, she's very experienced with the whole basil and alcohol thing, more so than me. Of course I have smoked weed, and I have had many drinks and been drunk a number of uncountable times, but this still seems minimal compared to her downtown life. Her parents moved her here to get away from all that bad stuff, I don't want her parents to get the wrong impression of C and I, because I only do those things on rare occasion - considering my age and lack of access to drugs and alcohol.
But also I'm worried that now that we're friends I'll be doing it a lot more. We are this weekend...
I'm psyched for this weekend though. My other two close friends; M and Velvet, are really against weed and partially against alcohol. M always tries to argue the, "Cigarettes aren't as bad as weed," which is absolute nonsense. She hasn't tried either so she can't even have a strong opinion on the subject but she makes me feel bad for doing weed. Whatever. I'm doing it.
I just hope I don't get too into it.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Blinking Fog (C)
Dear Strangers, it's C .
It feels like im blinking through fog. i can't see anything, it's all a disastrous mess..
i lost X, and i am still not over it, i'm still hurting, i'm still full of pain. it's cutting through me like winds these few days, seeing all my friends, all the people i hate, all the people bugging me about him. i hate it, i need to get out, which is why my family and i are probably going on a vacation soon. i hope we do i need out of this hell hole for just a week! and luckily J has been invited. i don't think i could go without her for a week.. i just i think i would actually die.. she's like my everything now. i don't have anything else. and i don't think i need anything. i have her, my brother, my rents and a couple other friends im good with. i have random aquaintences, but all i need is my best friend.
It hurts me more to see her upset. and lucky me, she's hurt. so here's the deal: J and I are alot alike in many ways. M is J's other best friend, and my good friend.
She's very stubborn, shy, ignorant, self concious, stunning girl i've ever met, and i like her alot. she's great! she's really fun when she lets her hair down. Shes quite protective of of her friends.. and it doesnt make her feel any better that shes leaving to move across the country in grade ten. sure shes excited to go but she doesnt want to be forgotten, or worse replaced. And thats where L (the new girl) ties into this whole situation. L is fabulous, EXACLTY like me and J and so much fun.
problem 1- she has the same name as M. which makes M furious
problem 2- she has the same initials as M. which makes M furious
problem 3- she is alot of fun and me and J really like her, Which makes M furious
problem 4-she looks a bit like M. which makes M furious
problem 5- she is taking out her stupid immature rage on J, who has not been anything but a friend to her. M does not understand thats she's not being replaced. L is just a sweet girl trying to make some new friends in a new school. she's really cool and we all agree that she could definitely become a close friend of ours. M disagress, and thinks L is trying to steal her light.. i understand were M is coming from, i mean c'mon. a new girl comes who looks like you and even has the same name... right before your about to leave.
anyone would be mad, but she doesn't need to be a bitch to J or L about it. she isn't a bitch to me cause she knows i won't take it. she is a total bitch to J because she knows how much J loves her and feels guilty. and shes a bitch to L because shes new. M has never even spoken a word to L and she claims she hates her.
we all love M and we dont ever wanna see her hurt, but she better start acting normal, or i'll snap.
she's hurting J more than necessary. j is always taking M's crap and for what? J has done NOTHING. and M better realise what shes doing to J cause shes really hurting her feelings.
along with mine.
i DON'T like to see my friends upset. and both J, M and L and i are upset.
this will not end well.
It feels like im blinking through fog. i can't see anything, it's all a disastrous mess..
i lost X, and i am still not over it, i'm still hurting, i'm still full of pain. it's cutting through me like winds these few days, seeing all my friends, all the people i hate, all the people bugging me about him. i hate it, i need to get out, which is why my family and i are probably going on a vacation soon. i hope we do i need out of this hell hole for just a week! and luckily J has been invited. i don't think i could go without her for a week.. i just i think i would actually die.. she's like my everything now. i don't have anything else. and i don't think i need anything. i have her, my brother, my rents and a couple other friends im good with. i have random aquaintences, but all i need is my best friend.
It hurts me more to see her upset. and lucky me, she's hurt. so here's the deal: J and I are alot alike in many ways. M is J's other best friend, and my good friend.
She's very stubborn, shy, ignorant, self concious, stunning girl i've ever met, and i like her alot. she's great! she's really fun when she lets her hair down. Shes quite protective of of her friends.. and it doesnt make her feel any better that shes leaving to move across the country in grade ten. sure shes excited to go but she doesnt want to be forgotten, or worse replaced. And thats where L (the new girl) ties into this whole situation. L is fabulous, EXACLTY like me and J and so much fun.
problem 1- she has the same name as M. which makes M furious
problem 2- she has the same initials as M. which makes M furious
problem 3- she is alot of fun and me and J really like her, Which makes M furious
problem 4-she looks a bit like M. which makes M furious
problem 5- she is taking out her stupid immature rage on J, who has not been anything but a friend to her. M does not understand thats she's not being replaced. L is just a sweet girl trying to make some new friends in a new school. she's really cool and we all agree that she could definitely become a close friend of ours. M disagress, and thinks L is trying to steal her light.. i understand were M is coming from, i mean c'mon. a new girl comes who looks like you and even has the same name... right before your about to leave.
anyone would be mad, but she doesn't need to be a bitch to J or L about it. she isn't a bitch to me cause she knows i won't take it. she is a total bitch to J because she knows how much J loves her and feels guilty. and shes a bitch to L because shes new. M has never even spoken a word to L and she claims she hates her.
we all love M and we dont ever wanna see her hurt, but she better start acting normal, or i'll snap.
she's hurting J more than necessary. j is always taking M's crap and for what? J has done NOTHING. and M better realise what shes doing to J cause shes really hurting her feelings.
along with mine.
i DON'T like to see my friends upset. and both J, M and L and i are upset.
this will not end well.
Messy Decisions (J)
Dear Stranger, it's J .
Finally, I have something a little interesting to write about. Finally something with meaning, something exciting, just SOMETHING in my life to write about. I'm happy about it, but my best friend M is making me feel horrible for this one good thing I'm experiencing.
Basically, there is a new girl who just transfered to my school for the second semester. She's in my gym class. She looks a little bit like my friend M at a glance...
I decided that I should go up and talk to her considering she was all alone, and new. That's something I rarely do. Turns out, she has the same name as M...
We hit it off right away, and we always pair up for whatever sport we're playing, I think we'll become very good friends. The only thing standing in the way is M's stubborn hate towards this new girl, L.
I met up with L for lunch yesterday because M told me she was eating with her other friends anyways. So I had lunch with L, and my other friends C and Velvet, they all hit it off as well.
I thought it was perfect, a new friend who is awesome, how could it be a bad thing. And considering I absolutely detest physical activity and so does L, it's perfect that we have gym together so we can just stand around and chat.
M hates her.
How awkward is that for me?
Before they even met M told me she hated L, didn't want to meet her, or talk to her. She wanted nothing that had to due with L. Everyone has been telling M that L looks exactly like her, they have the same name, initials, and she was really nice. Now M feels like she's being replaced. Absolutely not, the only similarity is their name. I kept asking M to meet L and get to know her, I know if she did she'd like L. She refuses. So we made them meet.
Why shouldn't I want my best friend of 3 years to meet my other new friend, and hope that they get along, how could they not.
So we brought L to find M, introduced them...
It was excruciatingly awkward.
L waved and said hey, M turned her face and starteed talking to someone else ith a mean look on her face. She claims she didn't notice L said something...
Going to a new school isn't easy, and meeting people is worse. You hope people will like you, but if you go to a new school and here from your new friends that they have a friend with the same name they want you to meet- you're excited, right?
Well quite a let down it was when she felt totally rejected by M, possibly worrying if that would change the way C, Velvet and me would see her.
Going somewhere new and being hated because of your name? Awful.
M should be the most sympathetic toward sher out of any of us, first of all, she should try and get to know her considering I want her to and we're best friends... And the biggest part is that M is moving to a new country for grade 10, she will be in the same shoes as L is now. Shouldn't she consider that? If something like that happens to her she will die, and I mean die.
So the plan is I hang out with L at lunch and M before and after school. But what about weekends? Why can't I not worry about who I'm going to hang out with and exactly when and will it make my other friend angry.
L wants to be friends with M.
M doesn't want to be friends with L, but shouldn't she try, shouldn't she say hi?
Why can't I hang out with all my friends at once, and not have to worry?
Why doesn M have to make me feel like I'm doing something wrong?
I'm doing the best I can in a situation like this?
I'm trying to satisfy both of them, shouldnt M try too?!
Why can't I just feel happy that I've made this new great friend, isntead of feeling guilty?
M can't understand she's NOT being replaced, I keep trying to hang out with M but she glares or complains about the little time I spend with L. But if I bring up L, she gets pissed.
One good thing happens in my life, but it's fucking up my life.
M is trying to 'step out of the group' she says. But then she says I'm ditching her, everytime I ask if she wants to have lunch she tells me no. She is ditching me- because to hang out with me she might have to sacrifice meeting someone with the same first name as her, which is apparently such a huge hassle she can't be friends with me anymore. I don't talk about L around her unless she brings her up, I ask to hang out with M even when I still want to get to know L - but she denies me, i smile at her in the halls - she is my best friend- before I can talk to her though she glares and turns her back. It's not my fault this girl came to the school. But I'm not going to make her feel unwelcome cause her name is L. Why can't M stop being closed-minded and stubborn, and do something for ME for ONCE. It's always about M, and the one time something happens for me, she finds a way to make it all about her. What do I do?
And on the worse side of things...
Today I found L at lunch talking to my middle school friends mentioned in past blogs.
No way are they going to steal ANOTHER of my friends. I'm sick of that.
Also my good friend Scrotum just recently stopped liking M, he'd liked her for a long time despite the fact that she was totally toying with his mind. Scrotum thinks he likes L, the 'new M'. Now, THAT, will piss M off even more, what could make her feel more replaced than that?
But I'm happy for him, he hasn't ever had a girlfriend who meant a lot to him... or that he meant a lot to, so I encourage it.
But if L talks to 3, M's long time obsession/crush, she's in for it. Good thing she's been warned.
My anger is overshadowing my happiness, which only comes so often...
Finally, I have something a little interesting to write about. Finally something with meaning, something exciting, just SOMETHING in my life to write about. I'm happy about it, but my best friend M is making me feel horrible for this one good thing I'm experiencing.
Basically, there is a new girl who just transfered to my school for the second semester. She's in my gym class. She looks a little bit like my friend M at a glance...
I decided that I should go up and talk to her considering she was all alone, and new. That's something I rarely do. Turns out, she has the same name as M...
We hit it off right away, and we always pair up for whatever sport we're playing, I think we'll become very good friends. The only thing standing in the way is M's stubborn hate towards this new girl, L.
I met up with L for lunch yesterday because M told me she was eating with her other friends anyways. So I had lunch with L, and my other friends C and Velvet, they all hit it off as well.
I thought it was perfect, a new friend who is awesome, how could it be a bad thing. And considering I absolutely detest physical activity and so does L, it's perfect that we have gym together so we can just stand around and chat.
M hates her.
How awkward is that for me?
Before they even met M told me she hated L, didn't want to meet her, or talk to her. She wanted nothing that had to due with L. Everyone has been telling M that L looks exactly like her, they have the same name, initials, and she was really nice. Now M feels like she's being replaced. Absolutely not, the only similarity is their name. I kept asking M to meet L and get to know her, I know if she did she'd like L. She refuses. So we made them meet.
Why shouldn't I want my best friend of 3 years to meet my other new friend, and hope that they get along, how could they not.
So we brought L to find M, introduced them...
It was excruciatingly awkward.
L waved and said hey, M turned her face and starteed talking to someone else ith a mean look on her face. She claims she didn't notice L said something...
Going to a new school isn't easy, and meeting people is worse. You hope people will like you, but if you go to a new school and here from your new friends that they have a friend with the same name they want you to meet- you're excited, right?
Well quite a let down it was when she felt totally rejected by M, possibly worrying if that would change the way C, Velvet and me would see her.
Going somewhere new and being hated because of your name? Awful.
M should be the most sympathetic toward sher out of any of us, first of all, she should try and get to know her considering I want her to and we're best friends... And the biggest part is that M is moving to a new country for grade 10, she will be in the same shoes as L is now. Shouldn't she consider that? If something like that happens to her she will die, and I mean die.
So the plan is I hang out with L at lunch and M before and after school. But what about weekends? Why can't I not worry about who I'm going to hang out with and exactly when and will it make my other friend angry.
L wants to be friends with M.
M doesn't want to be friends with L, but shouldn't she try, shouldn't she say hi?
Why can't I hang out with all my friends at once, and not have to worry?
Why doesn M have to make me feel like I'm doing something wrong?
I'm doing the best I can in a situation like this?
I'm trying to satisfy both of them, shouldnt M try too?!
Why can't I just feel happy that I've made this new great friend, isntead of feeling guilty?
M can't understand she's NOT being replaced, I keep trying to hang out with M but she glares or complains about the little time I spend with L. But if I bring up L, she gets pissed.
One good thing happens in my life, but it's fucking up my life.
M is trying to 'step out of the group' she says. But then she says I'm ditching her, everytime I ask if she wants to have lunch she tells me no. She is ditching me- because to hang out with me she might have to sacrifice meeting someone with the same first name as her, which is apparently such a huge hassle she can't be friends with me anymore. I don't talk about L around her unless she brings her up, I ask to hang out with M even when I still want to get to know L - but she denies me, i smile at her in the halls - she is my best friend- before I can talk to her though she glares and turns her back. It's not my fault this girl came to the school. But I'm not going to make her feel unwelcome cause her name is L. Why can't M stop being closed-minded and stubborn, and do something for ME for ONCE. It's always about M, and the one time something happens for me, she finds a way to make it all about her. What do I do?
And on the worse side of things...
Today I found L at lunch talking to my middle school friends mentioned in past blogs.
No way are they going to steal ANOTHER of my friends. I'm sick of that.
Also my good friend Scrotum just recently stopped liking M, he'd liked her for a long time despite the fact that she was totally toying with his mind. Scrotum thinks he likes L, the 'new M'. Now, THAT, will piss M off even more, what could make her feel more replaced than that?
But I'm happy for him, he hasn't ever had a girlfriend who meant a lot to him... or that he meant a lot to, so I encourage it.
But if L talks to 3, M's long time obsession/crush, she's in for it. Good thing she's been warned.
My anger is overshadowing my happiness, which only comes so often...
Monday, February 2, 2009
Obsessing Blisters (C)
Dear strangers, it's C .
So here i sit once again lost in thought. i finally started to see things clearly. truly i believed for one second maybe i might be happy. i hadn't heard from X in about a week. almost a week, i was thankful. It's almost more painful to believe he is thinking of me, instead of just moving on... and i even had a good day. i hadn't seen anyone other then V, and J since the incident.. and it's been a week since i've spoken to anyone or seen anyone. today was the first day back from the break and i was dreading every second of it. i wouldn't even pick an outfit because i hoped if i didnt i wouldnt have to believe i had to go back.. it wasn't as hard as i had expected. i assumed everyone would be asking questions. but when they simply asked how are you and X, and saw my face they immidiatly shut up and moved on to a different topic. Some were so self absorbed in there own life they barely even noticed that i was barely listening, mostly just thinking; about everything, the list, the aching pain in my chest, my intense craving for a redbull, the pounding head ache, and my daze. I kind of liked the fact that everyone around me is so self absorbed they dont care about my problems. makes it easier to be able to deal with them if i think other people don't know about them. The day passed relatively quickly. I dont mind my classes. the people in them seem to be alright at the moment. but then again i always look at the positives of people. i always assume everyone is sweet and look at the good things rather then be smart and sinical and examine everything, maybe thats why my heart is broken. but then again some people i dont need to take a good look to realise they have more than one face, but i shouldnt trust my judgement, id rather sit here and be alone or at least with J.. shes like my smile. without her i feel nothing, i see nothing, i can almost hear nothing. nothing matters to me when shes not there. shes like the only thing keeping me from dying. shes saved me before, and i feel so selfish using the high she gives me to keep myself alive. but i cant help it. its like i am broken, and shes the only one who knows how to put all the pieces back together, sure other people have tried but shes the only one succeeding...
after all the classes, i returned home. i reorganized my room because i always do when i feel any kind of emotion too much for me to handle. its alot nicer than before, i moved my furniture around making it look more open. i sort of feel a little relieved. like all this empty space in my room is laughing at me. saying i dont have a life anymore, but that i had one and im dumb. but that will all change when i go under my cover and attempt to sleep. I watched an episode of gossip girl, i really enjoyed it. Tv seems to be one of the only other things that helps get my mind focused on something other then everything in my life. its alot easier to forget everything when your watching someone else's perfect life, or rather in this case terrible life. This episode was almost ironic to how im feeling at the moment. in the episode there was huge tragedy, everyone was finally coping. then it backfired.
He texted me. thats my backfire. He left me, bleeding from the inside out. all alone in the dark, i found my hope. and i finally started to feel life, other than frustration, pain , anger, sadness, happyness, etc... and then he texts me, reminding me how much i love him.
i think hes doing it on purpose waiting till he thinks im okay to come and shatter me all over again.. maybe he wants me to die.
maybe hell be my death. but ill always love him.
i can't help myself, he's my drug and im addicted.
So here i sit once again lost in thought. i finally started to see things clearly. truly i believed for one second maybe i might be happy. i hadn't heard from X in about a week. almost a week, i was thankful. It's almost more painful to believe he is thinking of me, instead of just moving on... and i even had a good day. i hadn't seen anyone other then V, and J since the incident.. and it's been a week since i've spoken to anyone or seen anyone. today was the first day back from the break and i was dreading every second of it. i wouldn't even pick an outfit because i hoped if i didnt i wouldnt have to believe i had to go back.. it wasn't as hard as i had expected. i assumed everyone would be asking questions. but when they simply asked how are you and X, and saw my face they immidiatly shut up and moved on to a different topic. Some were so self absorbed in there own life they barely even noticed that i was barely listening, mostly just thinking; about everything, the list, the aching pain in my chest, my intense craving for a redbull, the pounding head ache, and my daze. I kind of liked the fact that everyone around me is so self absorbed they dont care about my problems. makes it easier to be able to deal with them if i think other people don't know about them. The day passed relatively quickly. I dont mind my classes. the people in them seem to be alright at the moment. but then again i always look at the positives of people. i always assume everyone is sweet and look at the good things rather then be smart and sinical and examine everything, maybe thats why my heart is broken. but then again some people i dont need to take a good look to realise they have more than one face, but i shouldnt trust my judgement, id rather sit here and be alone or at least with J.. shes like my smile. without her i feel nothing, i see nothing, i can almost hear nothing. nothing matters to me when shes not there. shes like the only thing keeping me from dying. shes saved me before, and i feel so selfish using the high she gives me to keep myself alive. but i cant help it. its like i am broken, and shes the only one who knows how to put all the pieces back together, sure other people have tried but shes the only one succeeding...
after all the classes, i returned home. i reorganized my room because i always do when i feel any kind of emotion too much for me to handle. its alot nicer than before, i moved my furniture around making it look more open. i sort of feel a little relieved. like all this empty space in my room is laughing at me. saying i dont have a life anymore, but that i had one and im dumb. but that will all change when i go under my cover and attempt to sleep. I watched an episode of gossip girl, i really enjoyed it. Tv seems to be one of the only other things that helps get my mind focused on something other then everything in my life. its alot easier to forget everything when your watching someone else's perfect life, or rather in this case terrible life. This episode was almost ironic to how im feeling at the moment. in the episode there was huge tragedy, everyone was finally coping. then it backfired.
He texted me. thats my backfire. He left me, bleeding from the inside out. all alone in the dark, i found my hope. and i finally started to feel life, other than frustration, pain , anger, sadness, happyness, etc... and then he texts me, reminding me how much i love him.
i think hes doing it on purpose waiting till he thinks im okay to come and shatter me all over again.. maybe he wants me to die.
maybe hell be my death. but ill always love him.
i can't help myself, he's my drug and im addicted.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Tumbling Cans (J)
Dear stranger, it's J .
Alright so the title is linked to 2 things; one good and one bad. But both pretty lame, considering there isn't much going on in my life apart from low self-esteem.
I just finished re-organizing my room a little bit, trying to open it up. I thought it would cheer me up. Basically it still sucks. I try not to spend too much time in here. The only thing left to do is stack my redbull cans. Which will be the hardest part cause I have to choose between practical or nicer to look at. Either they look great and I attempt to make a bull sculpture but they tumble down every day. Or I stack them evenly in a corner that you can't quite see them. And YES it is a big deal, redbull keeps me living - least I could do is show my appreciation.
Although... my parents are trying to cut me off. They say it's bad for me and I'll be very unhealthy. But, fuck... I don't plan on living too long. Redbull is so fucking great I'd rather die in a day if I could indulge in as much redbull as I wanted than to live 80 long fucking years and be healthy. Anyways, obviously I'm not going to stop drinking them, but it is quite an inconvenience to not have them buying them for me. Whatever I'll get a job.
P.S. If you read all of this, I'm impressed. Sorry my life is so fucking uneventful atm. Luckily for you, exams are over and second semester starts tomorrow, so I'm sure I'll have something to write about soon - being surrounded by superficial, gossiping, stupid teenagers every fucking day! XD
Alright so the title is linked to 2 things; one good and one bad. But both pretty lame, considering there isn't much going on in my life apart from low self-esteem.
I just finished re-organizing my room a little bit, trying to open it up. I thought it would cheer me up. Basically it still sucks. I try not to spend too much time in here. The only thing left to do is stack my redbull cans. Which will be the hardest part cause I have to choose between practical or nicer to look at. Either they look great and I attempt to make a bull sculpture but they tumble down every day. Or I stack them evenly in a corner that you can't quite see them. And YES it is a big deal, redbull keeps me living - least I could do is show my appreciation.
Although... my parents are trying to cut me off. They say it's bad for me and I'll be very unhealthy. But, fuck... I don't plan on living too long. Redbull is so fucking great I'd rather die in a day if I could indulge in as much redbull as I wanted than to live 80 long fucking years and be healthy. Anyways, obviously I'm not going to stop drinking them, but it is quite an inconvenience to not have them buying them for me. Whatever I'll get a job.
P.S. If you read all of this, I'm impressed. Sorry my life is so fucking uneventful atm. Luckily for you, exams are over and second semester starts tomorrow, so I'm sure I'll have something to write about soon - being surrounded by superficial, gossiping, stupid teenagers every fucking day! XD
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Stabbing Boomerang (C)
Dear strangers, it's C .
i don't understand how things work anymore. i can't even control my own emotions. the numbness comes and goes.. J sort of numbs my pain. like when she is with me i barely notice the aching pain in my chest.. but when i am alone. i can't not think about it, it's all i think about, i need to think about it. my body rejects thinking now, i need constant distraction. and for the last couple of days the distraction has been good. like i had my old friend back in town, but she is now gone. and i went shopping, i had the whole week off school? but yet i still sit here crying.
i wonder if god is like mad at me or something. It doesn't help that everyone brings up X in conversation, or that my parents constantly bring him up, or pick out my flaws. it's like i have nothing now. i have absolutely nothing. i'm overly consious about my looks, what i say, how i act. i barely enjoy food. i barely enjoy everything. i am never fully happy. no matter how much fun i'm having, no matter how much im laughing. the pain is there. in the back of my head, the endless list of pros and cons is still going, the aching pain is still burning my insides... it's like i can't outrun it. it's like im trapped inside my own personal hell. it's not like the thoughts of X are bad, it's that they're so amazing it hurts more. i could think about when he dumped me, or when he kept calling making me feel worse. it would probably be better for me than to think of all the good stuff... like our kissing, our touching, our every moment. ... i can't even describe? the things i was willing to do for him. i loved him more than i could ever love anyone. i couldn't even imagine being so in love. and here i am, left alone heart broken by him? isn't finding love supposed to be a happy story? a never ending joy that you have? it's funny, it's like i cry now because i have to, cause if my mind doesn't stop screaming at me, it's like i did something wrong. and half my brain hates the other half. it's like my whole entire existance is blaming me for everything. I'm never a good enough daughter for my parents. i'm never good enough in school for my teachers, or my parents. i'm never good enough of a person for everyone. i'm just not perfect. All around, i have a body that is apparently skinny? i don't find so, i detest my body? sure i should be happy with what i recieved but i'm not.. i'm not pleased with my looks? i'm just all around a big mess. everytime i think, "wow i could really enjoy my life..," all the things i resent and my body rejects come creeping back around the corner. it's not really like a suprise i sort of wait for the hell to rejoin my head. my mind is constantly thinking, i can't even enjoy sleep anymore.. i just don't know what to do anymore...
i guess clothes make me feel better? but i don't think i should be allowed to shop at the moment. i might go a little crazy for my parents liking...
i'm going to go attempt to sleep, clear my head.
ha, oh i'd love that.
i don't understand how things work anymore. i can't even control my own emotions. the numbness comes and goes.. J sort of numbs my pain. like when she is with me i barely notice the aching pain in my chest.. but when i am alone. i can't not think about it, it's all i think about, i need to think about it. my body rejects thinking now, i need constant distraction. and for the last couple of days the distraction has been good. like i had my old friend back in town, but she is now gone. and i went shopping, i had the whole week off school? but yet i still sit here crying.
i wonder if god is like mad at me or something. It doesn't help that everyone brings up X in conversation, or that my parents constantly bring him up, or pick out my flaws. it's like i have nothing now. i have absolutely nothing. i'm overly consious about my looks, what i say, how i act. i barely enjoy food. i barely enjoy everything. i am never fully happy. no matter how much fun i'm having, no matter how much im laughing. the pain is there. in the back of my head, the endless list of pros and cons is still going, the aching pain is still burning my insides... it's like i can't outrun it. it's like im trapped inside my own personal hell. it's not like the thoughts of X are bad, it's that they're so amazing it hurts more. i could think about when he dumped me, or when he kept calling making me feel worse. it would probably be better for me than to think of all the good stuff... like our kissing, our touching, our every moment. ... i can't even describe? the things i was willing to do for him. i loved him more than i could ever love anyone. i couldn't even imagine being so in love. and here i am, left alone heart broken by him? isn't finding love supposed to be a happy story? a never ending joy that you have? it's funny, it's like i cry now because i have to, cause if my mind doesn't stop screaming at me, it's like i did something wrong. and half my brain hates the other half. it's like my whole entire existance is blaming me for everything. I'm never a good enough daughter for my parents. i'm never good enough in school for my teachers, or my parents. i'm never good enough of a person for everyone. i'm just not perfect. All around, i have a body that is apparently skinny? i don't find so, i detest my body? sure i should be happy with what i recieved but i'm not.. i'm not pleased with my looks? i'm just all around a big mess. everytime i think, "wow i could really enjoy my life..," all the things i resent and my body rejects come creeping back around the corner. it's not really like a suprise i sort of wait for the hell to rejoin my head. my mind is constantly thinking, i can't even enjoy sleep anymore.. i just don't know what to do anymore...
i guess clothes make me feel better? but i don't think i should be allowed to shop at the moment. i might go a little crazy for my parents liking...
i'm going to go attempt to sleep, clear my head.
ha, oh i'd love that.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Shameful Links (C)
Dear stranger, it's C .
Hey stangers, so I guess you could say my head is a little clearer? Not racing as much, I think it has to do with a certain friend who happened to reappear in my life. Her name is U. She moved to Winnipeg 5 years ago, then moved to florida. Maybe this is exactly what I needed to forget about my stupid aching pain for a day and go out with my old friend. And I did. And I enjoyed myself, fully enjoyed myself for a whole night. I didn't think of X once. I even decided to dye my hair, which is weird because if I was alone that would be the last thing on my mind. I found out what my addiction is. It's warmth, laughter, distraction. Anything to be smart enough to distract me... Most friends let you suffer and talk about it. But not mine, I want nothing more than constant distraction, I want to laugh and have fun and be light. I don't want to go into my head these days, I want to stay out of the dark never ending tunnel that my brain has become.. A perfect way to keep that happening-
U offered me something I could barely wrap my head around. A trip, to florida for a month in the summer, which is only four months away. I'm sure I can make it through four months? .... Can you believe it, a month in florida? No parents, no stupid cell phone, no idiots I hate, just me, J and my old friend in florida- shopping, and tanning. Sounds perfect. I'm going to discuss it with my parents. I'm hoping they see the pleeding in my eyes, and realise I need this trip to get the fuck out of were I am. I can't stand being in this house. I look around and everything reminds me of him. I can't take the constant tears, I need to have a thrill! I need to go somewhere totally new, and weird and have nothing but fun. Not think all summer! Maybe I'll come back completely healed.... Or maybe I'll come back the exact same. Maybe even worse? But I don't care. I am willing to take that risk to live my life. I don't think I will ever fully forget X... He was, well he was my everything. And I'm his nothing.. I'll have to deal with that and move on.. But I won't ever fully forget him. I can't. The hole in my chest won't let me. Maybe this is my shameful link... my way out? My chance to live my life. I don't know who I am anymore.
And I don't even care, I need this. I want this, and I will have this.
Hey stangers, so I guess you could say my head is a little clearer? Not racing as much, I think it has to do with a certain friend who happened to reappear in my life. Her name is U. She moved to Winnipeg 5 years ago, then moved to florida. Maybe this is exactly what I needed to forget about my stupid aching pain for a day and go out with my old friend. And I did. And I enjoyed myself, fully enjoyed myself for a whole night. I didn't think of X once. I even decided to dye my hair, which is weird because if I was alone that would be the last thing on my mind. I found out what my addiction is. It's warmth, laughter, distraction. Anything to be smart enough to distract me... Most friends let you suffer and talk about it. But not mine, I want nothing more than constant distraction, I want to laugh and have fun and be light. I don't want to go into my head these days, I want to stay out of the dark never ending tunnel that my brain has become.. A perfect way to keep that happening-
U offered me something I could barely wrap my head around. A trip, to florida for a month in the summer, which is only four months away. I'm sure I can make it through four months? .... Can you believe it, a month in florida? No parents, no stupid cell phone, no idiots I hate, just me, J and my old friend in florida- shopping, and tanning. Sounds perfect. I'm going to discuss it with my parents. I'm hoping they see the pleeding in my eyes, and realise I need this trip to get the fuck out of were I am. I can't stand being in this house. I look around and everything reminds me of him. I can't take the constant tears, I need to have a thrill! I need to go somewhere totally new, and weird and have nothing but fun. Not think all summer! Maybe I'll come back completely healed.... Or maybe I'll come back the exact same. Maybe even worse? But I don't care. I am willing to take that risk to live my life. I don't think I will ever fully forget X... He was, well he was my everything. And I'm his nothing.. I'll have to deal with that and move on.. But I won't ever fully forget him. I can't. The hole in my chest won't let me. Maybe this is my shameful link... my way out? My chance to live my life. I don't know who I am anymore.
And I don't even care, I need this. I want this, and I will have this.
Slippery Addiction (J)
Dear stranger, it's J .
I have an addiction. I don't believe it's too harmful, but I have been told otherwise. I guess it could be considered a drug, technically it is... But it just doesn't seem serious; caffeine.
I type this as I sit beside my sculpture of RedBull cans, it's getting pretty big... But I'm not worried.
How could something that tastes so good be bad?
I've sortof been living on RedBull, when I' m craving caffeine at school I'll resort to a cappucino.
I can't go very long without Redbull without having a bad headache from caffeine withdrawal now...
I'm definitely hooked, I overdose almost everyday and it barely affects me, I'm used to it. But when I go without it is when I start suffering.
I'm drinking one right now.
I'm not trying to quit it, because I don't think I could.
But the only thing that worries me is that I get hooked on things fast and bad.
I have a Very addictive personality, when I do something I go all the way. If I find something I like, I overdo it, I can't get enough. I have tons of little addictions.
There's a definite possibilty that I could have a truly harmful addiction in future.
Once is never enough.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Dancing Thoughts (C)
Dear strangers, it's C .
Another endless night, no sleep just nightmares. I would kill for one night to sleep with no thought, to just sleep and feel nothing. It's like my head wants my heart to hurt. I should probably explain the situation between me and X that would make what I'm saying make sense? I love him, I still love him, and I need him and he doesn't care. He was sweet, kind, funny, absolutely jaw dropping, he was incredible. "The perfect guy for me," but like most things I want he happened to slip away. He said the distance was getting to be too much, but deep down I knew he didn't like me anymore. It sounds so much less dramatic on paper, but my head begs to differ. I wouldn't even call my head sane, it's just this never ending list of pros and cons, what did I do wrong, what would have helped his decision? I understand you can't help how people feel, but I did nothing wrong, I guess I should be thankful for the time he blessed me with, and just look back on those memories and be happy... But I can't. I can't think that he did this for the better good. He says it' ll be better for us, that he needs me in his life and that we have to still be friends. The phone call was like taking a bullet. One second I'm thinking about him, loving him, the next I'm gassping for air in what seemed like an hour. It felt like my lungs shut down, my entire body was bolted to the floor, I couldn't move. He kept requesting something, but I was in too much of a daze to give a shit. I simply said okay and clicked the off button. Most people would say that was stupid, would demand for an answer and ask wtf his problem was, why he was doing this? Well not me, I just tried to concentrate on my breathing. It didn't come back to me for about 2 minutes. I finally fell to the floor with what seemed like a silent thud. I hit the speed dial. I heard J's voice, and I exploded. I couldn't make sense of the moment, I couldn't even think, all I knew was I couldn't be alone. I wouldn't be alone. She picked me up like the good friend she is and took me to her house. I sat there for a bit but still nothing. No sadness , nothing. I was numb. I would say people would rather be numb than feel pain, but at that moment I needed to feel something, I felt dead. Like my body was completely dead, my mind was screaming things at me, but I didn't even flinch, I just sat there and tried to absorb it all in. Then I realised the numbness doesn't last long, and I should have enjoyed it when I had it, now it's just aching pain. Hearing his name causes me to cry, there's like this big empty space inside my body that aches all day long. I feel like I should shove something in the hole and make it shut up. I don't like dwelling on things, I'm usually the kinda person who accepts to be cheated on and used for personal pleasure. I usually just pretend it doesn't bug me and move on, says we'll stay friends. But in this case it was more of a... shock? More of a slap in the face. Don't you break up with boyfriends and girlfriends when one has done something wrong? Or aren't you suppose to be honest about it if you don't like them and were playing them the whole time? You don't say , "its the distance it's killing me I can't not be able to see you when I want, so we can't be together ," ... Does that make any sense? Or is it just me? I'm thinking maybe there's something wrong with me. That guys love doing stuff and thats about it, but he promised me, that he was different from all the stupid guys who use me. I shouldn't have believed him. I know that now, but I don't care. I still want him, my body is running through every memory we ever had, and it's making the hole hurt even more, it's like it has its own mind. A mind that I can't control. I'm almost considering being his friend just so I can hear his voice, see his face. The hole in my chest will just love that. At night it just keeps shooting flicks of pain, until I am close to drifting to sleep. Then all the pain and tears come pouring out. What am I supposed to do when my head is in love with him, my heart craves him.. but my body hurts for him...
deal with the pain to see him, smell him, touch him..
Or listen to what this ragging hole in my chest is saying and remove all contact... Will that even help? I can't do either, I can't even choose a fucking shoe. My mind is always racing these days, I can't sleep. I can't really eat. Everytime something looks appetizing I think about him for a split second, and then nothing, I'm not hungry; I'm nauseated.
Maybe I should be thankful, maybe all this will make me skinnier than I ever hoped i would be.
Or maybe slowly but surely it'll kill me.
Another endless night, no sleep just nightmares. I would kill for one night to sleep with no thought, to just sleep and feel nothing. It's like my head wants my heart to hurt. I should probably explain the situation between me and X that would make what I'm saying make sense? I love him, I still love him, and I need him and he doesn't care. He was sweet, kind, funny, absolutely jaw dropping, he was incredible. "The perfect guy for me," but like most things I want he happened to slip away. He said the distance was getting to be too much, but deep down I knew he didn't like me anymore. It sounds so much less dramatic on paper, but my head begs to differ. I wouldn't even call my head sane, it's just this never ending list of pros and cons, what did I do wrong, what would have helped his decision? I understand you can't help how people feel, but I did nothing wrong, I guess I should be thankful for the time he blessed me with, and just look back on those memories and be happy... But I can't. I can't think that he did this for the better good. He says it' ll be better for us, that he needs me in his life and that we have to still be friends. The phone call was like taking a bullet. One second I'm thinking about him, loving him, the next I'm gassping for air in what seemed like an hour. It felt like my lungs shut down, my entire body was bolted to the floor, I couldn't move. He kept requesting something, but I was in too much of a daze to give a shit. I simply said okay and clicked the off button. Most people would say that was stupid, would demand for an answer and ask wtf his problem was, why he was doing this? Well not me, I just tried to concentrate on my breathing. It didn't come back to me for about 2 minutes. I finally fell to the floor with what seemed like a silent thud. I hit the speed dial. I heard J's voice, and I exploded. I couldn't make sense of the moment, I couldn't even think, all I knew was I couldn't be alone. I wouldn't be alone. She picked me up like the good friend she is and took me to her house. I sat there for a bit but still nothing. No sadness , nothing. I was numb. I would say people would rather be numb than feel pain, but at that moment I needed to feel something, I felt dead. Like my body was completely dead, my mind was screaming things at me, but I didn't even flinch, I just sat there and tried to absorb it all in. Then I realised the numbness doesn't last long, and I should have enjoyed it when I had it, now it's just aching pain. Hearing his name causes me to cry, there's like this big empty space inside my body that aches all day long. I feel like I should shove something in the hole and make it shut up. I don't like dwelling on things, I'm usually the kinda person who accepts to be cheated on and used for personal pleasure. I usually just pretend it doesn't bug me and move on, says we'll stay friends. But in this case it was more of a... shock? More of a slap in the face. Don't you break up with boyfriends and girlfriends when one has done something wrong? Or aren't you suppose to be honest about it if you don't like them and were playing them the whole time? You don't say , "its the distance it's killing me I can't not be able to see you when I want, so we can't be together ," ... Does that make any sense? Or is it just me? I'm thinking maybe there's something wrong with me. That guys love doing stuff and thats about it, but he promised me, that he was different from all the stupid guys who use me. I shouldn't have believed him. I know that now, but I don't care. I still want him, my body is running through every memory we ever had, and it's making the hole hurt even more, it's like it has its own mind. A mind that I can't control. I'm almost considering being his friend just so I can hear his voice, see his face. The hole in my chest will just love that. At night it just keeps shooting flicks of pain, until I am close to drifting to sleep. Then all the pain and tears come pouring out. What am I supposed to do when my head is in love with him, my heart craves him.. but my body hurts for him...
deal with the pain to see him, smell him, touch him..
Or listen to what this ragging hole in my chest is saying and remove all contact... Will that even help? I can't do either, I can't even choose a fucking shoe. My mind is always racing these days, I can't sleep. I can't really eat. Everytime something looks appetizing I think about him for a split second, and then nothing, I'm not hungry; I'm nauseated.
Maybe I should be thankful, maybe all this will make me skinnier than I ever hoped i would be.
Or maybe slowly but surely it'll kill me.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Screeching Memories (J)
Dear stranger, it's J .
I guess it would be a good idea to start off with my background, the past that made me what I am today. Although most of it I'd rather not bring up again, this is where I'll be writing everything, even things I'd rather not face myself. The best place to start off with would be my last year of elementary school...
Grade five was probably one of the easiest years of my life, apart from kindergarten. Considering there weren't many students in the school, I was considered the most popular girl in the school. Which I was okay with at the time, more than okay with, I thrived on it. I had my 2 best girlfriends, a boyfriend whom I thought was amazing, and a few close guy friends. Though I regret this, I probably didn't treat any of my other classmates.. with much respect. My closest girlfriend, let's call her L, was hilarious and I loved her. But L was always kindof the beta, and not to pleased about that. She seemed to always want to take my place, she'd always say things to try and make me jealous about her past experiences with my boyfriend. I brushed them off. The thing that got to me most was her constant copying. Every single time I said I liked something, she just happened to like it too. She copied everything I did. One day I thought I'd get a good laugh, so I went to school and found L, I told her that I wasn't a fan of the New Jersey Devils anymore (Which dontcha know it, she was) I started liking the Buffalo's or something like that. I'm really not that into sports whatsoever. She automatically agreed, when I told her I was totally kidding, she claimed she had been too. I'd had enough of this bullshit.
My first day of middle school (Grade 6), I went early, and alone. I was lost. I didn't know why everyone was staring at me all the time for the first few weeks. My first concrete memory of middleschool was one recess when the two 'prettiest', most popular grade 6 girl's approached me.
It was pretty awkward, I've got to say, but it was probably only me who felt like that...
It was kindof like an invitation into their world. The one where you think you're above everyone, and that everyone is jealous of you. Some may be jealous, but more than that - everyone actually HATES you for being so stuck-up, including L because she wasn't accepted by these bitches. I could never really handle all the drama that they craved for and made happen. I tried to be sweet and sincere and not rude to others, but it's difficult when you're always surrounded by phony bullshit. I tried to be nice to everyone but since I'm extremely awkward, and they all thought I was a bitch, I never really talked to anyone outside my big circle of friends. Many rumors were spread about me, and my "friends" were always getting into superficial fights with eachother and with me. One of these times I told them I wouldn't be like the other girls, I wasn't going to go crawling back to them and I was done with all this. Our friendships were over. They made everyone hate me, including a couple of boyfriends I had throughout this tough year.
It was the summer before Grade 7, I had just lost all my friends, and didn't really know anyone else at the school... who liked me at least. It was horrible, especially having to deal with all the 'accidental run-ins' with them and the prank phone calls.
Thank goodness for C though. We started talking on msn frequently and we became good friends, we started hanging out and it was really fun. I was relieved to have found a true friend in the midst of all this. She had introduced me to some of her friends, we hit it off.
Unfortunately it didn't last too much longer because she was now accepted into the popular group. It was pretty depressing, I had told her about everything that had happened but in middleschool the only thing on everyone's mind is fitting in and being 'popular'. I didn't blame her for this, at first I felt as though the popular girl's were targetting me and rubbing it in- the fact that I was a total outcast. They definitely got me back good. Fortunately I did have a few other friends by this time, my 2 closest friends now were A and M. We had a lot of fun through the first half of grade 7, A was hysterical but self-concious. M was fun too but I always felt like she may leave in a blink of an eye if she was shown interest by these fucking fembots.
Oddly, I was wrong about M. But unfortunately about A too, it seemed I had them mixed up.
A left us for the fembots. I saw her the next day at school ignoring M and me. She didn't look like herself, she had her hair done, she was in a dress and had make-up on. A part of me was happy to see her with some confidence. But at the same time this was the second time this had happened, sooner or later it was bound to happen with M.
Grade 8 was a little better in the sense that I was finally being left alone by the fembots. I was slowly becoming good friends with C again which was relieving, she'd made new friends, not like I approved of them either. Her new bestfriend was B, only popular because of her slutty reputation, she wasn't one of the fembots which was a plus. C was still popular which I didn't mind, I was over all this superficial stuff and I don't think she was in it for popularity by this point, she'd actually become good friends with them. This year I had a new crush, Bam. It was more than a crush, though we were never a couple I felt I had a connection with him I hadn't had with anyone else. Unfortunately he was also friends with B, I was always paranoid about this because she was a huge skank. By the end of grade 8 I had a new reputation too.
I was the emo chick. Everyone was scared of me, I had a labret stud which seemed to be a huge deal at that age. I wore black eye make-up, clothes and skinny jeans. I listened to 'scary' music. I looked 'scary'. I dressed 'scary'. I 'was scary'. I hated everyone.
I had become pretty good friends with C again, and still friends with M, I had few other friends.
Everyone was really immature about my... transition. They all talked shit about me. People even threw rocks and glass at me saying, "Eat them!" I just laughed. Little boys dumped water on M and me, we just laughed. Although... I did get them back.
I was often in the office, I had a problem with authority, with the superficial twits, and with all the jackasses. Graduation was the best day of my life. I knew highschool wouldn't be the same.
It isn't. It feels as though popularity doesn't exist in highschool or maybe I'm just doing a good job ignoring it. These first few months of Grade 9 have been pretty simple, easy, and carefree. I can't yet say that I passed all my courses this first semester, but who really cares? Not me, highschool should be the funnest years of your life. You only get your youth once, so fucking enjoy it.
As of now, I don't have any enemies, mostly aqquaintances. I'm not still classified as emo, I don't think... but all I really care about right now is the fact that my adorable cat is eating my hair and my eyelids weigh a ton. Goodnight.
I guess it would be a good idea to start off with my background, the past that made me what I am today. Although most of it I'd rather not bring up again, this is where I'll be writing everything, even things I'd rather not face myself. The best place to start off with would be my last year of elementary school...
Grade five was probably one of the easiest years of my life, apart from kindergarten. Considering there weren't many students in the school, I was considered the most popular girl in the school. Which I was okay with at the time, more than okay with, I thrived on it. I had my 2 best girlfriends, a boyfriend whom I thought was amazing, and a few close guy friends. Though I regret this, I probably didn't treat any of my other classmates.. with much respect. My closest girlfriend, let's call her L, was hilarious and I loved her. But L was always kindof the beta, and not to pleased about that. She seemed to always want to take my place, she'd always say things to try and make me jealous about her past experiences with my boyfriend. I brushed them off. The thing that got to me most was her constant copying. Every single time I said I liked something, she just happened to like it too. She copied everything I did. One day I thought I'd get a good laugh, so I went to school and found L, I told her that I wasn't a fan of the New Jersey Devils anymore (Which dontcha know it, she was) I started liking the Buffalo's or something like that. I'm really not that into sports whatsoever. She automatically agreed, when I told her I was totally kidding, she claimed she had been too. I'd had enough of this bullshit.
My first day of middle school (Grade 6), I went early, and alone. I was lost. I didn't know why everyone was staring at me all the time for the first few weeks. My first concrete memory of middleschool was one recess when the two 'prettiest', most popular grade 6 girl's approached me.
It was pretty awkward, I've got to say, but it was probably only me who felt like that...
It was kindof like an invitation into their world. The one where you think you're above everyone, and that everyone is jealous of you. Some may be jealous, but more than that - everyone actually HATES you for being so stuck-up, including L because she wasn't accepted by these bitches. I could never really handle all the drama that they craved for and made happen. I tried to be sweet and sincere and not rude to others, but it's difficult when you're always surrounded by phony bullshit. I tried to be nice to everyone but since I'm extremely awkward, and they all thought I was a bitch, I never really talked to anyone outside my big circle of friends. Many rumors were spread about me, and my "friends" were always getting into superficial fights with eachother and with me. One of these times I told them I wouldn't be like the other girls, I wasn't going to go crawling back to them and I was done with all this. Our friendships were over. They made everyone hate me, including a couple of boyfriends I had throughout this tough year.
It was the summer before Grade 7, I had just lost all my friends, and didn't really know anyone else at the school... who liked me at least. It was horrible, especially having to deal with all the 'accidental run-ins' with them and the prank phone calls.
Thank goodness for C though. We started talking on msn frequently and we became good friends, we started hanging out and it was really fun. I was relieved to have found a true friend in the midst of all this. She had introduced me to some of her friends, we hit it off.
Unfortunately it didn't last too much longer because she was now accepted into the popular group. It was pretty depressing, I had told her about everything that had happened but in middleschool the only thing on everyone's mind is fitting in and being 'popular'. I didn't blame her for this, at first I felt as though the popular girl's were targetting me and rubbing it in- the fact that I was a total outcast. They definitely got me back good. Fortunately I did have a few other friends by this time, my 2 closest friends now were A and M. We had a lot of fun through the first half of grade 7, A was hysterical but self-concious. M was fun too but I always felt like she may leave in a blink of an eye if she was shown interest by these fucking fembots.
Oddly, I was wrong about M. But unfortunately about A too, it seemed I had them mixed up.
A left us for the fembots. I saw her the next day at school ignoring M and me. She didn't look like herself, she had her hair done, she was in a dress and had make-up on. A part of me was happy to see her with some confidence. But at the same time this was the second time this had happened, sooner or later it was bound to happen with M.
Grade 8 was a little better in the sense that I was finally being left alone by the fembots. I was slowly becoming good friends with C again which was relieving, she'd made new friends, not like I approved of them either. Her new bestfriend was B, only popular because of her slutty reputation, she wasn't one of the fembots which was a plus. C was still popular which I didn't mind, I was over all this superficial stuff and I don't think she was in it for popularity by this point, she'd actually become good friends with them. This year I had a new crush, Bam. It was more than a crush, though we were never a couple I felt I had a connection with him I hadn't had with anyone else. Unfortunately he was also friends with B, I was always paranoid about this because she was a huge skank. By the end of grade 8 I had a new reputation too.
I was the emo chick. Everyone was scared of me, I had a labret stud which seemed to be a huge deal at that age. I wore black eye make-up, clothes and skinny jeans. I listened to 'scary' music. I looked 'scary'. I dressed 'scary'. I 'was scary'. I hated everyone.
I had become pretty good friends with C again, and still friends with M, I had few other friends.
Everyone was really immature about my... transition. They all talked shit about me. People even threw rocks and glass at me saying, "Eat them!" I just laughed. Little boys dumped water on M and me, we just laughed. Although... I did get them back.
I was often in the office, I had a problem with authority, with the superficial twits, and with all the jackasses. Graduation was the best day of my life. I knew highschool wouldn't be the same.
It isn't. It feels as though popularity doesn't exist in highschool or maybe I'm just doing a good job ignoring it. These first few months of Grade 9 have been pretty simple, easy, and carefree. I can't yet say that I passed all my courses this first semester, but who really cares? Not me, highschool should be the funnest years of your life. You only get your youth once, so fucking enjoy it.
As of now, I don't have any enemies, mostly aqquaintances. I'm not still classified as emo, I don't think... but all I really care about right now is the fact that my adorable cat is eating my hair and my eyelids weigh a ton. Goodnight.
Starving Nostalgia (C)
Dear strangers, its C .
So, I'm guessing you're a little curious about exactly who I am, and why I even chose to do this. But if you think about it, we all need some place to release everything our bodies won't let us say, or even reject feeling, we all slip, we all mess up, well we're all far from perfect. Most people say high school are the best years of your life. I'm in grade nine. Just starting high school. And let me just say it really hasn't been so great. I have my two best friends, J and V who will hopefully be there with me through the tough years coming. So I guess I should talk about my past, give you a little bit of information about myself?
God do i miss kindergarten; no thinking, no emotion unless it's about who stole your favourite crayon. No tears, no heart break, no fights. Everything just kinda flowed. Most people say middle school is supposed to be like that too right? I've never been one to listen to what people have to say. Middle school was hell. I hated every bit of it. Grade six started out sweet, fun, casual, just meeting some new friends. Not really worrying about the work as much as the social crowd. Trying to fit in. By the end of grade 6 I really realised how stupid and super ficial most people are, but like most young kids I ignored my better judgement and surrounded myself with "popular people" aha that was mistake one, mistake two was trusting them. I know when you're young and you're carefree you don't really think, but if i had, it would have saved me months of tears.
Grade seven just got worse. but luckily I had met J by that time and she was there with me through almost all of it but once again, because i was so stupid, I left her for the popular kids. That's okay though because i got more than my share of karma on that. You'd think that after being fucked over thousands of times I would pick my friends wisely right? Well i didn't. I picked P as my bestfriend. She was cute, sweet... But only on the outside. On the inside she was nothing more than an emotionally unstable wreck. But then again I am too so I don't have much of a place to judge. She was usually a good friend, kept most of my secrets. But she would usually let the really deep ones slip during conversation. I became the outcast. But as soon as the populars gave me the hint of light, I took it. Even through all the shit they put me through when i was a part of their group or not I was always taking their shit. I took their chance, and resumed my place in their group. Because I loved the idea. I needed to be that "it" girl I wasn't so don't worry but I had met a guy whom which i loved. He was my everything, or so I thought. I thought I was in love but that might have just been because I was young. His name was K. He was so incredibly gorgeous it hurt my eyes to look at him. I couldn't stay mad at him no matter what he did, I was completely dazzled by his beauty. He may have looked like a 16 year old on the outside but on the inside he was just a kid. I always went back to him though. Not sure why? Maybe it's cause i craved for him, I needed him like i needed a drug. He was my drug, even when he left me time and time again I still took him back. Even when I knew his heart wasn't in it for the right reasons. I guess you could say I brought half this on myself but it's a lot harder to see what it's doing to you when you think you love the person, or you think you love what they're offering you.
Grade eight was a clearer year. Until I got involved with B, she was the best friend I ever had, she had the worst rep and was a complete slut. She was eveyrthing I hated and everything I loved all wrapped up into one person. Which made it that much harder to take her out of my life. After losing all my, "so called friends," and my best friend of all- P, I finally left B. I regained P's trust and we became the best friends we always were. But our relationship was kinda like a rollercoaster. Never really knew what was gonna happen, a lot of people love surprises but in friendship your constantly looking for support, love and trust? Well she didn't exactly give me that 100%, and neither did I. So I figured that was the end of that. Well no, we still dragged it out into high school.
Grade nine, the first year of highschool; the group that loves me, that I can barely stand? There's no such thing as popular in highschool, just faces. Tons and tons of faces. Me and J try to keep away from all that shit but it doesn't really work. It seems to always be creeping around the corner. We already consider ourselves the outcasts. I pretty much hate all girls, there are a couple I like though, but usually they just really annoy me. I generally get along with guys more, they're always pretty honest and just chill. I fell in love this year. His name was X. He was everything I can't put into words. Everything I loved all in a single person. He lived far, but I didn't care, I needded him as bad as i thought he needed me... It's hard to even talk about. I can't even put all my emotions into words. My head is spinning it's like it's telling me one thing, then changing it and turning it into something else.
I'll definitly write another blog soon, but for now I need to be able to think about it clearly before I can even try to explain mine and X's situation.
Are we all just play toys until the real thing comes around?
So, I'm guessing you're a little curious about exactly who I am, and why I even chose to do this. But if you think about it, we all need some place to release everything our bodies won't let us say, or even reject feeling, we all slip, we all mess up, well we're all far from perfect. Most people say high school are the best years of your life. I'm in grade nine. Just starting high school. And let me just say it really hasn't been so great. I have my two best friends, J and V who will hopefully be there with me through the tough years coming. So I guess I should talk about my past, give you a little bit of information about myself?
God do i miss kindergarten; no thinking, no emotion unless it's about who stole your favourite crayon. No tears, no heart break, no fights. Everything just kinda flowed. Most people say middle school is supposed to be like that too right? I've never been one to listen to what people have to say. Middle school was hell. I hated every bit of it. Grade six started out sweet, fun, casual, just meeting some new friends. Not really worrying about the work as much as the social crowd. Trying to fit in. By the end of grade 6 I really realised how stupid and super ficial most people are, but like most young kids I ignored my better judgement and surrounded myself with "popular people" aha that was mistake one, mistake two was trusting them. I know when you're young and you're carefree you don't really think, but if i had, it would have saved me months of tears.
Grade seven just got worse. but luckily I had met J by that time and she was there with me through almost all of it but once again, because i was so stupid, I left her for the popular kids. That's okay though because i got more than my share of karma on that. You'd think that after being fucked over thousands of times I would pick my friends wisely right? Well i didn't. I picked P as my bestfriend. She was cute, sweet... But only on the outside. On the inside she was nothing more than an emotionally unstable wreck. But then again I am too so I don't have much of a place to judge. She was usually a good friend, kept most of my secrets. But she would usually let the really deep ones slip during conversation. I became the outcast. But as soon as the populars gave me the hint of light, I took it. Even through all the shit they put me through when i was a part of their group or not I was always taking their shit. I took their chance, and resumed my place in their group. Because I loved the idea. I needed to be that "it" girl I wasn't so don't worry but I had met a guy whom which i loved. He was my everything, or so I thought. I thought I was in love but that might have just been because I was young. His name was K. He was so incredibly gorgeous it hurt my eyes to look at him. I couldn't stay mad at him no matter what he did, I was completely dazzled by his beauty. He may have looked like a 16 year old on the outside but on the inside he was just a kid. I always went back to him though. Not sure why? Maybe it's cause i craved for him, I needed him like i needed a drug. He was my drug, even when he left me time and time again I still took him back. Even when I knew his heart wasn't in it for the right reasons. I guess you could say I brought half this on myself but it's a lot harder to see what it's doing to you when you think you love the person, or you think you love what they're offering you.
Grade eight was a clearer year. Until I got involved with B, she was the best friend I ever had, she had the worst rep and was a complete slut. She was eveyrthing I hated and everything I loved all wrapped up into one person. Which made it that much harder to take her out of my life. After losing all my, "so called friends," and my best friend of all- P, I finally left B. I regained P's trust and we became the best friends we always were. But our relationship was kinda like a rollercoaster. Never really knew what was gonna happen, a lot of people love surprises but in friendship your constantly looking for support, love and trust? Well she didn't exactly give me that 100%, and neither did I. So I figured that was the end of that. Well no, we still dragged it out into high school.
Grade nine, the first year of highschool; the group that loves me, that I can barely stand? There's no such thing as popular in highschool, just faces. Tons and tons of faces. Me and J try to keep away from all that shit but it doesn't really work. It seems to always be creeping around the corner. We already consider ourselves the outcasts. I pretty much hate all girls, there are a couple I like though, but usually they just really annoy me. I generally get along with guys more, they're always pretty honest and just chill. I fell in love this year. His name was X. He was everything I can't put into words. Everything I loved all in a single person. He lived far, but I didn't care, I needded him as bad as i thought he needed me... It's hard to even talk about. I can't even put all my emotions into words. My head is spinning it's like it's telling me one thing, then changing it and turning it into something else.
I'll definitly write another blog soon, but for now I need to be able to think about it clearly before I can even try to explain mine and X's situation.
Are we all just play toys until the real thing comes around?
Monday, January 26, 2009
Polished Beginning
Dear Stranger,
Welcome to our lives, this is our personal diary, our get away. The things you read on this blog will take you into our heads, and reveal the things we dread, dream and pretty much who we are. It's not always going to be civil, but it will be honest.
Our opinions, thoughts, choices, secrets, past, future and present will be readable. Personal photos, goals, achievements, dreams, events and such will be to your access. We'll put personal comments and recommendations on certain topics. We will write weekly, if not daily so it will be constantly updated, and readers will be allowed to write suggestions and such on the blog,
To contact us personally, our emails our listed below, please don't abuse this privilege. Feel free to ask us about ourselves, and if you have any personal questions you would like our opinion on, we would be more than willing to assist you.
sweetiepie980@hotmail.com (C)
ecstacyO_o@live.com (J)
Welcome to our lives, this is our personal diary, our get away. The things you read on this blog will take you into our heads, and reveal the things we dread, dream and pretty much who we are. It's not always going to be civil, but it will be honest.
Our opinions, thoughts, choices, secrets, past, future and present will be readable. Personal photos, goals, achievements, dreams, events and such will be to your access. We'll put personal comments and recommendations on certain topics. We will write weekly, if not daily so it will be constantly updated, and readers will be allowed to write suggestions and such on the blog,
To contact us personally, our emails our listed below, please don't abuse this privilege. Feel free to ask us about ourselves, and if you have any personal questions you would like our opinion on, we would be more than willing to assist you.
sweetiepie980@hotmail.com (C)
ecstacyO_o@live.com (J)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
